Being John Malcovich – Adult Males – Comedic

“Come in, Mr. Juarez.” from the film “Being John Malcovich.” Craig gets a very strange interview from Lester. Ideal for Adult Males ranging from 30-60. 1-2 Mins.

Written By: Charlie Kaufman

LESTER and CRAIG:

INT. LESTER’S OFFICE – CONTINUOUS

        Craig enters. Lester, a giant of an old man, sits hunched

        behind his tiny desk.

                                 LESTER

                   Come in, Mr. Juarez. I’d stand, but,

                   well, you know.

                                 CRAIG

                            (extending his hand)

                   Actually, my name is Craig Schwartz,

                   Dr. Lester.

        Lester flips an intercom switch.

                                 LESTER

                   Security.

                                 CRAIG

                   No, it’s okay, sir. Just a mixup with

                   your secretary.

                                 LESTER

                   She’s not my secretary. She’s what

                   they call an executive liaison, and

                   I’m not banging her, if that’s what

                   you’re implying.

                                 CRAIG

                   Not at all, Dr. Lester. I simply

                   misspoke.

                                 LESTER

                   Tell me, Dr. Schwartz, what do you

                   feel you can bring to LesterCorp?

                                 CRAIG

                   Well, sir, I’m an excellent filer.

                                 LESTER

                            (crafty)

                   You think so, eh? Which comes first,

                   L or… Glooph?

                                 CRAIG 

                    Glooph is not a letter, sir.

                                 LESTER

                   Damn, you are good. I tried to trick

                   you. Okay, put these in order.

        Lester hands Craig a bunch of index cards. Craig orders

        them with amazing speed and dexterity. Lester watches,

        eyes wide.

                                 LESTER (CONT’D)

                            (flips intercom switch)

                   Floris, get Guinness on the phone.

                                 FLORIS (O.S.)

                   Gehginnis ondah foam?

                                 LESTER

                   Forget it.

                                 FLORIS (CONT’D)

                   Fork ah did?

                                 LESTER

                            (flips off switch)

                   Fine woman, Floris. I don’t know how

                   she puts up with this damn speech

                   impediment of mine.

                                 CRAIG

                    You don’t have a speech impediment,

                   Dr. Lester.

                                 LESTER

                   Flattery will get you everywhere,

                   my boy. But I’m afraid I have to

                   trust Floris on this one. You see,

                   she has her doctorate in speech

                   impedimentology from Case Western.

                   Perhaps you’ve read her memoirs,

                   “I can’t understand a word any of

                    you are saying.”

                                 CRAIG

                   No.

                                 LESTER

                   Pity, it tells it like it is.

                   That’s why the eastern, read Jewish,

                   publishing establishment won’t touch

                   it. That’s a quote from the book

                   jacket. George Will, I think.

                            (beat)

                   I apologize if you can’t understan

                   a word I’m saying, Dr. Schwartz.

                                 CRAIG

                   No. I understand perfectly.

                                 LESTER

                            (choking up)

                   Thank you for being kind enough to

                    lie. You see, I’ve been very lonely

                   in my isolated tower of

                   indecipherable speech. You’re hired.

                   Any questions?

                                 CRAIG

                   Just one. Why is this floor so short?

                                 LESTER

                   Low overhead, m’boy. We pass the

                   savings on to you.

                            (laughs heartily)

                   But seriously, that’s all covered in

                    orientation.

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