NYCastings – DirectSubmit

“Guys and Gidgets” from the film “Hairspray.” Corny Collins amps up his fellow performers. Comedic Monologue for Teen Male. 1 Min.

Written by: Leslie Dixon

CORNY: Now don’t forget, Guys and Gidgets: Our very first prime-time spectacular is coming up on June 6th. We’ll be live at Baltimore’s brand-new Eventorium broadcasting nationwide! Talent scouts will be on hand from all of the major record labels, and sponsoring the event will be none other than our own ULTRA CLUTCH HAIRSPRAY. So, let’s give a great big fawning Baltimore salute to the President of Ultra Clutch, Harriman F. Spritzer.

IN THE NEXT ROOM – Elizabeth says goodbye to Mrs. Givings. Dramatic monologue for adult female. 2 min.

ELIZABETH:  My mother told me to pray each day since I was a little girl, to pray that you borrow everything, everyone you love, from God. That way your heart doesn’t ‘break when you have to give your son, or your mother, or your husband, back to God. I prayed, Jesus, let me be humble. I borrowed my child, I borrowed my husband, I borrowed my own life from you, God. But he felt like mine not like God’s he felt like mine more mine than anything.

God must have this huge horrible cabinet – all the babies who get returned – and all those babies inside, they’re all crying even with God Himself to rock them to sleep, still they want their mothers. So when I started to feel something for this baby, for your baby, I thought no, take her back God.

When I first met her all I could think was: she is alive and Henry is not. I had all this milk – I wished it would dry up. Just get through the year, I thought. Your milk will dry up and you will forget. The more healthy your baby got, the more dead my baby became. I thought of her like a tick. I thought – fill her up and then pop! You will see the blood of my Henry underneath. But she seemed so grateful for the milk. Sometimes I hated her for it. But she would look at me, she would give me this look – I do not know what to call it if it is not called love. I hope every day you keep her – you keep her closer to you – and you remember the blood that her milk was made from. The blood of my son, my Henry. Good-bye, Mrs. Givings.

“Can of Vegetables” from the film “Wet Hot American Summer.” Gene introduces the camp to a new friend. 1-2 minutes.

GENE: I wanna thank all of you for a terrific summer. Cooking for all you nice people has really helped me get over the fact that I fought in the Vietnam War. Have a great winter, I’m gonna go hump the fridge. Yes folks, it’s true. I said I’m gonna go hump the fridge. What you may not know is that I also own a bottle of dick cream, I fondle my sweaters, and I often like to smear mud on my ass. You’re probably as yourselves, “Isn’t he a wierdo, outcast, loose cannon?” Maybe. I don’t think so.

I wanna introduce you guys to someone. This is my friend. (Holding a can of vegetables.) I don’t know who he is, but I do know this: At a time when I was trying to hide myself from myself, he was there to show me a new way. ‘Cause I couldn’t hide from him. And I can be proud of who I am. I put it to you, Camp Firewood, as we spend the last dinner together: Be proud of who you are. Look at me, Ma, I made it! I’m okay! Now if you don’t mind, I have some unfinished business to attend to.

“I pretended to be asleep from the film “Hall Pass.” Maggie explains why she’s giving her husband a hall pass. 1-2 min.

MAGGIE: Remember last week when we went to Lucy’s award thing? That night when we got home, Rick and I were gonna … you know … and I was waiting for him in bed while he tucked the kids in, and I started wondering who he would be thinking about during sex. Would it be the girl he checked out on the way into the party? Or would it be Missy Frankenfield– because I noticed him gawking at her? Or how about one of the waitresses, or maybe somebody he saw at work that day? Then when he came into the room, I did something I’d never done before: I pretended to be asleep.

Look, I understand that people have fantasies and that you’re not always thinking about the person you’re with.  But it’s just … I don’t know … it’s been too long since I felt that he was thinking about me. I need this hall pass to work, Grace, because if it doesn’t, I don’t know what’s going to happen.

THE BOOK OF MORMON – Elder Price has finally had it with… well, everything! 1 min.

ELDER PRICE: Well, well… If it isn’t the SUPER MORMON.  Spreading “the word”?! Making more –  BRAIN WASHED ZOMBIES?! How is it YOU converted all those people into Mormons! You get everything you pray for. YOU’RE doing everything I was supposed to do. Doesn’t that seem a little telling to you?! The universe doesn’t work the way we were told!  When I was nine years old… My family took a trip to Orlando, Florida.  It was the most wonderful, most magical place I had ever seen. I said to myself “THIS is where I want to spend eternity!”  My parents told me that if I made God proud, and did whatever the church asked, in the Latter Days I could have whatever I wanted.  So I WORKED and I WORKED.  And even when I studied Mormon stories and I thought, ‘That doesn’t make ANY SENSE’, I KEPT WORKING because I was told ONE DAY — I would get my reward!! Planet Orlando! But what do I have now? I can’t even get a ticket home…

“The work of a critic” from the film “Ratatouille.” Anton eats ratatouille and his world is changed. Dramatic Monologue For Teen/Adult Male. 2 Min.

Written by: Brad Bird, Bob Peterson, Katy Greenberg, and Emily Cook

ANTON EGO: In many ways, the work of a critic is easy. We risk very little yet enjoy a position over those who offer up their work and their selves to our judgment. We thrive on negative criticism, which is fun to write and to read. But the bitter truth we critics must face is that, in the grand scheme of things, the average piece of junk is more meaningful than our criticism designating it so. But there are times when a critic truly risks something, and that is in the discovery and defense of the new. Last night, I experienced something new, an extraordinary meal from a singularly unexpected source. To say that both the meal and its maker have challenged my preconceptions is a gross understatement. They have rocked me to my core. In the past, I have made no secret of my disdain for Chef Gusteau’s famous motto: Anyone can cook. But I realize that only now do I truly understand what he meant. Not everyone can become a great artist, but a great artist can come from anywhere. It is difficult to imagine more humble origins than those of the genius now cooking at Gusteau’s, who is, in this critic’s opinion, nothing less than the finest chef in France. I will be returning to Gusteau’s soon, hungry for more.

“But it wasn’t a dream” from the film “Wizard of Oz.” Dorothy explains Oz to her family. Dramatic Monologue For Teen Female. 1 Min.

Written by: Jack Haley, Robert Lahr, Yip Harburg, et. al.

DOROTHY: But it wasn’t a dream. It was a place. And you and you and you…and you were there. But you couldn’t have been could you? No, Aunt Em, this was a real truly live place and I remember some of it wasn’t very nice, but most of it was beautiful–but just the same all I kept saying to everybody was “I want to go home,” and they sent me home! Doesn’t anybody believe me? But anyway, Toto, we’re home! Home. And this is my room, and you’re all here and I’m not going to leave here ever, ever again. Because I love you all. And… Oh Auntie Em! There’s no place like home!

“Look around you” from the film “Tuck Everlasting.” Tuck wants to make sure Winnie knows what she’s getting into. Dramatic Monologue for Teen/Young Adult Male. 2 Min.

Written by: Jeffrey Lieber, James V. Hart, and Natalie Babbitt

Tuck: Look around you, the flowers, and the trees, and the frogs, they’re all part of the wheel. They’re always changing, always growing, like you Winnie. Your life is never the same, you were once a child, now you’re about to become a woman. Then one day you’ll go out, like the flame of a candle. You’ll make way for new life. That’s a certainty. That’s the natural way of things. Then there’s us. What we Tucks have, you can’t call it livin’, we just are. We’re like rocks stuck on the side of the stream. Listen to me, Winnie, you know it’s a dangerous secret if people find out about the Spring. They’ll trample all over each other just to get to that water. If there’s one thing I’ve learned about people it’s that they’ll do anything… anything not to die and they’ll do anything to keep from living their life. Do you want to stay stuck as you are right now forever? I just have to make you understand.

“Can you read my mind?” From the film “Superman.” Lois Lane talks to her love Superman. Dramatic Monologue For Teen/Young Adult Female. 1 Min.

Written by: Mario Puzo, David Newman, Leslie Newman, et. al.

Lois: Can you read my mind? Do you know what it is you do to me. I don’t know who you are. Just a friend from another star. Here I am like a kid out of school. Holding hands with a god. I’m a fool. Will you look at me, quivering, like a little girl, shivering. You can see right through me. Can you read my mind? Can you picture the things I am thinking of. Wondering why you are. All the wonderful things you are? You can fly. You belong to the sky. You and I can belong to each other. If you need a friend, I’m the one to fly to. If you need to be loved, here I am. Read my mind.

“Some things are best left unsaid” From the film “Shawshank Redemption.” Red talks about being free. Dramatic Monologue For Young Adult Male. 1 Min.

Written by: Frank Darabont and Stephen King

Red: I have no idea to this day what those two Italian ladies were singing about. Truth is, I don’t wanna know. Some things are best left unsaid. I like to think they were singing about something so beautiful it can’t be expressed in words, and makes your heart ache because of it. I tell you, those voices soared higher and farther than anybody in a gray place dares to dream. It was like some beautiful bird flapped into our drab little cage and made those walls dissolve away, and for the briefest of moments, every last man at Shawshank felt free.

“My Name is Happy Gilmore” From the film “Happy Gilmore.” Happy Gilmore’s opening monologue. Comedic Monologue For Teen/Young Adult Male. 3 Min.

a by: Tim Herlihy and Adam Sandler

Happy: My name is Happy Gilmore. Ever since I was old enough to skate, I loved hockey… wasn’t the greatest skater though. But that didn’t stop my dad from teaching me the secret of slapping the greatest slapshot. My dad worshiped hockey, my mom didn’t, that’s why she moved to Egypt, where there’s not a hockey rink within 15 hundred miles. Dad always took me to games to cheer for our favorite player, Terry O’Riley, the Tazmanian Devil. He wasn’t the biggest guy in the league, but he feared nobody, just like me. (shot of dad’s face) Handsome fellow huh? He always said that when I grew up I could be anything I wanted to be, but I never wanted to be anything but a hockey player. Yeah my childhood was going great, but life is full of surprises.

After the funeral, I was sent to live with my grandma in Waterberry. I was kinda nervous since I really didn’t know her that well, but she dressed like Gene Simmons from KISS to cheer me up, she’s the sweetest person in the world. See after my dad died I developed kinda a short fuse. You see that kid over there just stole my party blower, and instead of asking for it back, I felt that I had to belt him in the head a bunch of times with a hammer. Look at me go. But I was always quick to say I was sorry. During high school I played junior hockey and still hold two league records; most time spent in the penalty box, and I was the only guy to ever take off his skate and try to stab someone.

After I graduated I had a lot of different jobs; I was a road worker, a janitor, a security guard, a gas station attendant, and a plumber. Lately I’ve been working construction, it’s not a bad racket, I’m a pretty good shot with a nail gun, but one day my boss, Mr. Larson, uh got in the way. Apparently he also has a short fuse. Look at that monster. He got a few lucky punches in there, but I still feel I won the fight. Anyways, those other jobs weren’t for me. I was put on this planet for one reason, to play hockey.

“You beasts” From the Animated Film “101 Dalmatians.” Cruella De Vil is not defeated by the dogs. Comedic Monologue For Kid/Teen Female. 1 Min.

Written by: John Hughes and Dodie Smith

Cruella De Vil: You beasts! But I’m not beaten yet. You’ve won the battle, but I’m about to win the wardrobe. My spotty puppy coat is in plain sight and leaving tracks. In a moment I’ll have what I came for, while all of you will end up as sausage meat, alone on some sad, plastic plate. Dead and medium red. No friends, no family, no pulse. Just slapped between two buns, smothered in onions, with fries on the side. Cruella De Vil has the last laugh!

“Nice to be back” From the Animated Film “Aladdin.” The Genie pops out of its lamp. Comedic Monologue for Kid/Teen Male. 2 Min.

Written by: Roger Allers, Ron Clements, Ted Elliot, et. al.

Genie: Aaaaahhhhh! OY! Ten-thousand years will give ya such a crick in the neck! Whoa! Does it feel good to be outta there! (pretends to have a microphone) Nice to be back, ladies and gentlemen. (to Aladdin) Hi, where ya from? What’s your name? Aladdin! Hello, Aladdin. Nice to have you on the show. Can we call you ‘Al?’ Or maybe just ‘Din?’ Or howbout ‘Laddi?’ (suddenly is wearing a kilt) Sounds like “Here, boy! C’mon, Laddi!” Do you smoke? Mind if I do? Oh, sorry Cheetah, hope I didn’t singe the fur! Hey, Rugman! Haven’t seen you in a few millennia! Slap me some tassel! Yo! Yeah! (high-fives carpet) Say, you’re a lot smaller than my last master. Either that or I’m gettin’ bigger. Look at me from the side, do I look different to you? That’s right, you’re my master! He can be taught!! What would you wish of me, (as Arnold Schwarzenegger) the ever impressive, (inside a cube) the long contained, (as a ventriloquist with a dummy) often imitated, but never duplicated….(he multiplies into about 7 different Genies)…duplicated, duplicated, duplicated, duplicated, duplicated, duplicated, duplicated, duplicated, duplicated…. Genie! Of! The Lamp! (as Ed Sullivan) Right here direct from the lamp, right here for your enjoyment wish fulfillment. Thank youuuuu! (back) You get three wishes to be exact. And ix-nay on the wishing for more wishes. That’s it, three. Uno, dos, tres. No substitutions, exchanges or refunds. Master, I don’t think you quite realize what you’ve got here! So why don’t you just ruminate, while I illuminate the possibilities!

“I feel physically inadequate” From the Animated Film “Antz.” Zee visits a psychologist. Dramatic Monologue for Teen Male. 2 Min.

Written by: Todd Alcott, Chris Weitz, and Paul Weitz

Zee: All my life I’ve lived and worked in the big city, which now that I think of it, is a problem since I always feel uncomfortable around crowds. I mean it I have this fear of enclosed spaces, everything makes me feel trapped all the time. You know I always tell my self there’s got to be something better out there, but maybe I think too much. I think everything must go back to the fact that I had a very anxious childhood, you know my mother never had time for me. You know when you’re a middle child in a family of five million, you don’t get any attention, I mean how’s it possible. And I’ve always had these abandonment issues, which played me, My father was basically a drone like I’ve said, you know the guy flew away when I was just a larva… and my job, don’t get me started on, cause it really annoys me, I was not cut out to be a worker, I’ll tell you right now, I feel physically inadequate, I, I, my whole life I’ve never been able to lift ten times my own body weight and when you get down to it, handling dirt is….. aaaiiiheeww, you know is not my idea of a rewarding career. It’s this whole gung-ho super-organism thing that I, I you know I can’t get, I try but I can’t get it. I mean you know, what is it, I’m supposed to do everything for the colony, and what about my needs, what about me? I mean I gotta believe there’s someplace out there that’s better than this! Otherwise I’d just curl up in a larva position and weep! (pause) The whole system out there just makes me feel… (thinking) Insignificant!

“It’s a drink” from the Film “E.T.” Elliot shows E.T. objects. Comedic Monologue For Kid Male. 2 Min.

Written by: Melissa Mathison

Elliot: Coke. You see, we drink it. It’s a, it’s a drink. You know, food. These are toys, these are little men. (showing him Star Wars action figures) This is Greedo, and then this is Hammerhead, see this is Walrus Man, and this is Snaggletooth and this is Lando Calrissian See…and look, they can even have wars. Look at this. (He play-acts with two characters who both shoot and kill each other, making appropriate noises)

Look fish. Fish eat the fish food, and the shark (a toy) eats the fish, and nobody eats the shark. See, this is PEZ, candy. See you eat it. You put the candy in here and then when you lift up the head, the candy comes out and you can eat it. You want some? This is a peanut. You eat it, but you can’t eat this one, ’cause this is fake. This is money. You see. You put the money in the peanut. You see? It’s a bank. See? And then, this is a car. This is what we get around in. You see? Car. (E.T. takes the car and child-like puts it in his mouth to eat it.) Hey, hey wait a second. No. You don’t eat ’em. Are you hungry? I’m hungry. Stay. Stay. I’ll be right here. Okay? I’ll be right here.

“Poor little rabbit” from the film “Gangs of New York.” The Butcher asks the cop to find who’s responsible for the rabbit’s death. 1 min.

THE BUTCHER: That’s a sorry looking pelt…and it’s been so nice and quiet for the last three months. Tell me, this charge, doesn’t it sit uneasy with you?……(exhales neurotically and puts his hands together in prayer)….so when you say that your job is to “uphold the law”, what in heaven’s name are you talking about? You may have misgivings, but don’t go believing that, Jack. That way lies damnation. Here’s the thing…I don’t give a tuppenny fuck about your moral conundrum, you meat-headed shitsack. That’s more or less the thing. And I want you to go out there—you, nobody else, none of your little minions–I want you to go out there….and I want you…(fakes crying)…..to punish….(sniffles) the person…who’s responsible….(sobs) for murdering this poor little rabbit…(sobs)……is that understood? Help yourself to some decent meat on the way out.

“You can’t handle the truth” from the film “A Few Good Men.” Jessup is in court and confronts Kaffee about the reasons and facts that he can’t understand regarding what is necessary to keep the country safe. 1-2 min.

JESSUP: You can’t handle the truth! …Son, we live in a world that has walls, and those walls have to be guarded by men with guns. Who’s gonna do it? You? You, Lt. Weinburg? I have a greater responsibility than you could possibly fathom. You weep for Santiago, and you curse the marines. You have that luxury. You have the luxury of not knowing what I know. That Santiago’s death, while tragic, probably saved lives. And my existence, while grotesque and incomprehensible to you, saves lives. You don’t want the truth because deep down in places you don’t talk about at parties, you want me on that wall, you need me on that wall. We use words like honor, code, loyalty. We use these words as the backbone of a life spent defending something. You use them as a punchline. I have neither the time nor the inclination to explain myself to a man who rises and sleeps under the blanket of the very freedom that I provide, and then questions the manner in which I provide it. I would rather you just said thank you, and went on your way. Otherwise, I suggest you pick up a weapon and stand a post. Either way, I don’t give a damn what you think you are entitled to.

“But do you have the common courtesy to call me and tell me that you will be twenty-five minutes late?” from the TV Show “Full House”. Uncle Jesse is fed up with being a housewife. 3-4 Min.

JESSE: Give me a break… Don’t “huh” me! You waltz in here twenty-five minutes late and expect sympathy? Huh!

I have CLEANED the house, and washed all of YOUR clothes, and ran a daycare center for socially deviant munchkins, and missed Oprah! Ran this one to a ballet lesson, this one to the dentist no cavities thank you very much! Do you realize that I have slaved over a hot stove so you could have a hot meal when you come home HAH HMM HMM HMM!

Sorry! HAH! Sorry! Sorry does not change the fact that my chicken tetrazzini is ruined! RUINED! It’s all dried out! But do you have the common courtesy to call me and tell me that you will be twenty-five minutes late? NO! Well, I am not an animal… Oh my God, what’s happening to me?

“It’s called the carousel,” from the TV Show “Mad Men”. While delivering a presentation, Don misses his family. 3-4 Min.

DON: Well, technology is a glittering lure. But, uh, there is the rare occasion when the public can be engaged on a level beyond flash, if they have a sentimental bond with the product.

My first job, I was in-house at a fur company, with this old-pro copywriter, a Greek named Teddy. Teddy told me the most important idea in advertising is new. Creates an itch. You simply put your product in there as a kind of calamine lotion. But he also talked about a deeper bond with the product. Nostalgia. It’s delicate, but potent. Sweetheart.

Teddy told me that in Greek, “nostalgia” literally means “the pain from an old wound”. It’s a twinge in your heart far more powerful than memory alone. This device isn’t a spaceship, it’s a time machine.

It goes backwards, forwards, takes us to a place where we ache to go again. It’s not called the wheel. It’s called the carousel. It lets us travel the way a child travels. Round and around, and back home again, to a place where we know we are loved.

“I mean doctors can kill a patient and keep their jobs but for a nurse? We don’t get off so easy,” from the TV Show “How To Get Away With Murder”. Jolene pleads her case to Bonnie. 1-2 Min.

JOLENE: I would turn my bedroom into an ICU, and make my little brothers pretend to be trauma victims. The idea of helping people just always made me feel better about myself. Which is why this is so hard. I mean doctors can kill a patient and keep their jobs but for a nurse? We don’t get off so easy. And I get it! Why people would think I did this. I’m not the prettiest girl in the room. But this will ruin me. I’ll be forced onto some sexual predator registry. But I didn’t do what that man says, I promise you. I didn’t rape him.