“The Apartment” – Adult Males – Comedic

“I was sort of wondering what you looked like.” from the film “The Apartment.” Bud gets caught lending out his apartment so the execs at his office can carry on affairs. He admits the whole thing to Sheldrake, and promises never to do it again. Ideal for Adult Men in their 30s-60s. 1-2 Mins.

Written By: Billy Wilder and I.A.L. Diamond

Bud and Sheldrake:

INT. SHELDRAKE’S OFFICE – DAY

Mr. Sheldrake is a $14,000 a year man, and rates a four-

window office.

It is not quite an executive suite, but it is several pegs

above the glass cubicles of the middle echelon. There is

lots of leather, and a large desk behind which sits MR.

SHELDRAKE. He is a substantial looking, authoritative man in

his middle forties, a pillar of his suburban community, a

blood donor and a family man. The latter is attested to by a

framed photograph showing two boys, aged 8 and 10, in

military school uniforms.

As Baxter comes through the door, Sheldrake is leafing

through Dobisch’s efficiency report. He looks up at Bud

through a pair of heavy-rimmed reading glasses.

                         SHELDRAKE

           Baxter?

                         BUD

           Yes, sir.

                         SHELDRAKE

                  (studying him)

            I was sort of wondering what you

           looked like. Sit down.

                         BUD

           Yes, Mr. Sheldrake.

He seats himself on the very edge of the leather armchair

facing Sheldrake.

                         SHELDRAKE

           Been hearing some very nice things

           about you — here’s a report from

            Mr. Dobisch — loyal, cooperative,

            resourceful —

                         BUD

            Mr. Dobisch said that?

                         SHELDRAKE

            And Mr. Kirkeby tells me that

           several nights a week you work late

            at the office — without overtime.

                         BUD

                  (modestly)

           Well, you know how it is — things

           pile up.

                         SHELDRAKE

            Mr. Vanderhof, in Public Relations,

            and Mr. Eichelberger, in Mortgage

            and Loan — they’d both like to

           have you transferred to their

           departments.

                         BUD

           That’s very flattering.

Sheldrake puts the report down, takes off his glasses, leans

across the desk toward Bud.

                         SHELDRAKE

           Tell me, Baxter — just what is it

           that makes you so popular?

                         BUD

            I don’t know.

                         SHELDRAKE

           Think.

Bud does so. For a moment, he is a picture of intense

concentration. Then —

                         BUD

           Would you mind repeating the

           question?

                         SHELDRAKE

           Look, Baxter, I’m not stupid. I

           know everything that goes on in

           this building — in every

           department — on every floor —

           every day of the year.

                         BUD

                  (in a very small voice)

            You do?

                        SHELDRAKE

                  (rises, starts pacing)

            In 1957, we had an employee here,

           name of Fowler. He was very popular,

           too. Turned out he was running a

           bookie joint right in the Actuarial

            Department tying up the switchboard,

           figuring the odds on our I.B.M.

           machines — so the day before the

           Kentucky Derby, I called in the

           Vice Squad and we raided the

           thirteenth floor.

                         BUD

                  (worried)

            The Vice Squad?

                         SHELDRAKE

           That’s right, Baxter.

                         BUD

           What — what’s that got to do with

            me? I’m not running any bookie joint.

                         SHELDRAKE

           What kind of joint are you running?

                         BUD

           Sir?

                         SHELDRAKE

           There’s a certain key floating

           around the office — from Kirkeby

            to Vanderhof to Eichelberger to

           Dobisch — it’s the key to a

           certain apartment — and you know

            who that apartment belongs to?

                         BUD

           Who?

                        SHELDRAKE

           Loyal, cooperative, resourceful C.

            C. Baxter.

                         BUD

            Oh.

                         SHELDRAKE

            Are you going to deny it?

                         BUD

            No, sir. I’m not going to deny it.

            But if you’d just let me explain —

                         SHELDRAKE

            You better.

                         BUD

                  (a deep breath)

           Well, about six months ago — I was

            going to night school, taking this

           course in Advanced Accounting —

            and one of the guys in our

           department — he lives in Jersey —

            he was going to a banquet at the

           Biltmore — his wife was meeting

            him in town, and he needed someplace

            to change into a tuxedo — so I

           gave him the key    and word must

           have gotten around — because the

           next thing I knew, all sorts of

           guys were suddenly going to

           banquets — and when you give the

            key to one guy, you can’t say no to

           another and the whole thing got out

            of hand — pardon me.

He whips out the nasal-spray, administers a couple of quick

squirts up each nostril.

                         SHELDRAKE

           Baxter, an insurance company is

           founded on public trust. Any

           employee who conducts himself in a

           manner unbecoming —

                  (shifting into a new gear)

            How many charter members are there

            in this little club of yours?

                         BUD

           Just those four — out of a total

            of 31,259 — so actually, we can be

           very proud of our personnel —

           percentage-wise.

                         SHELDRAKE

           That’s not the point. Four rotten

           apples in a barrel — no matter how

           large the barrel — you realize

           that if this ever leaked out —

                         BUD

            Oh, it won’t. Believe me. And it’s

            not going to happen again. From now

            on, nobody is going to use my

           apartment —

In his vehemence he squeezes the spray bottle, which squirts

all over the desk.

                         SHELDRAKE

           Where is your apartment?

                         BUD

           West 67th Street. You have no idea

           what I’ve been going through —

           with the neighbors and the landlady

            and the liquor and the key —

                         SHELDRAKE

            How do you work it with the key?

                         BUD

           Well, usually I slip it to them in

            the office and they leave it under

            the mat — but never again — I can

           promise you that —

The phone buzzer sounds, and Sheldrake picks up the phone.

                         SHELDRAKE

           Yes, Miss Olsen.

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