The Whole Nine Yards – Adult Males – Comedic

“You’re fine? Let me tell you something Oz.” from the film ” The Whole Nine Yards.” Hit man Jimmy Tudeski and slightly neurotic dentist Nicholas ‘Oz’ Seransky meet in Jimmy’s apartment, which is next door to Oz’s, to discuss certain events that have transpired and to figure out what to do next. Ideal for Adult Males in their 30s-40s. 1-2 Mins.

Written By: Mitchell Kapner

JIMMY and OZ:

THE WHOLE NINE YARDS

 

Jimmy “The Tulip” Tudeski apartment. Jimmy and Oz sit at the dinning table. The table is full with guns and a couple of hamburgers. Jimmy cleans and prepares his guns and equipment. Oz sits besides him.

 

Jimmy

Aaah. I can’t believe this burger has mayonnaise, what’s wrong with this people that put it to everything. (Jimmy throws the burger away). This is one of those days when I simply feel like going over to someone’s house and chop their legs off, set their house on fire and watch as they drag their bloody stumps out of their house. (Pause. He looks at Oz). And how are you feeling Oz?

 

Oz

I’m fine.

 

Jimmy

You’re fine? Let me tell you something Oz. You are not fine. You know your wife wants you dead?

 

Oz

That much I’ve figured out. (Oz takes his wedding ring off).

 

Jimmy

I just thought you should know because I’m not the first one she came to.

 

Oz

The first…?

 

Jimmy

Hitter.

 

Oz

There were others?

 

Jimmy

At least one. Probably that fell through, so she came to me.

 

Oz

Eh. Oh. What did you tell her? (Pause).

 

Jimmy

You mean, did I take the contract? (Pause). No. I didn’t take the contract. Besides you know how much she offered me?

 

Oz

No.

 

 

Jimmy

Ten grand. Jajaja. No wonder I turned her down.

 

Oz

Jejeje. But you did turn her down. Even though I went to Janni Gogo, the mafia boss that ones your head in a plate?

 

Jimmy

You didn’t go to Janni. I sent Frankie to come to you. And I know that Frankie can be very persuasive. By the way, how’s your urination?

 

Oz

Well, Fine. Thank you. So why did you want me to go see Janni?

 

Jimmy

So you could tell him where I was.

 

Oz

So he could come here, and you could kill him?

 

Jimmy

Exacto. By the way. I’d be happy to do your wife for you.

 

Oz

Do my wife?

 

Jimmy

Tap her.

 

Oz

Tap her?

 

Jimmy

Whack her.

 

Oz

Whack her? OOOOh. Oh, I see, I thought you meant, you know… eeeee. Because she told me that you, you know, hit on her.

 

Jimmy laughs out loud.

 

Oz

That’s funny. Jajaja. Why is that funny?

 

 

Jimmy

Actually, I wasn’t gonna tell you this but the truth is, your wife came on to me.

 

Oz

And?

 

Jimmy

Oz. We’re friends. Friends do not engage in sexual congress with each other’s wives. Besides… I don’t find your wife particularly that attractive.

 

Oz

You just got out of prison. You’ve been in prison for five years, and you don’t find my wife attractive?

 

Jimmy

She’s not a good person.

 

Oz

Eh. You’ve killed 17 people, and you don’t think my wife is a good person?

 

Jimmy

It’s not important how many people I’ve killed. What’s important is how I get along with the people that are still alive. (Pause). Ah. I think we’ve given it long enough. I’ll tell Frankie to call Janni. The sooner he gets here, the better.

 

Oz

So after you kill Janni, are you gonna go back to Chicago?

 

Jimmy

No, I’m done with Chicago.

 

Oz

What about your wife? You gonna get back together with her? (Pause) You’re gonna kill her too?

 

Jimmy

For a hell of a lot more than ten thousand dollars.

 

Oz

Well you can’t do that.

 

Jimmy

Why not?

 

Oz

Because she’s your wife!

 

Jimmy

Ah. You are one exceedingly sweet man. With a wife like yours and you still believe in wedding vows. Well, so do I. Especially “till death do us part”.

 

Oz

I can’t believe you. So here you are calmly talking about the murder of a beautiful, innocent women whose only crime, as far as I can see, is that she married you, Jimmy. So you know what I am not going to listen to this anymore. You know what I’m gonna do? I’m gonna—I’m gonna—I’m gonna go! Ah. Ah… Is there any way I can stop you from doing this?

 

Jimmy

Oz, relax. No one’s gonna know you had anything to do with this.

 

Oz

But that’s not the point.

 

Jimmy

What is the point?

 

Oz

You are still going to kill your wife!

 

Jimmy

Well… Yeah. I’ve got a very good reason to kill my wife. About ten million very good reasons to kill my wife.

 

Oz

Ok well, well. What if I said no? You know, what if I said I wasn’t gonna let you do it?

 

Jimmy

JAJAJA. Oh. You know, you are the most chivalrous guy I’ve ever met in my life. I love you. Oz, come on. Relax. Just come sit down here in your favorite chair have another martini (Jimmy sits Oz and serves him a martini). Listen to me. Tonight will happen whether you want it to or not. And you’re gonna help.

 

Oz

Me? Help?

 

Jimmy

Yeah. You, help. You’re gonna help. Your gonna go with Frankie to meet Janni at the plane because if you’re not there Janni will get suspicious, get back on the plane, and fly back to Chicago. And we don’t want that.

 

Oz

Jimmy.

 

Jimmy

Oz. This is the way it’s gotta be, okay?  And… I’m telling you this like a friend because if you screw this up I would hate to—I would really hate to have to kill you. I would hate it… I hate it more than mayonnaise. You know how much I hate mayonnaise

 

Oz

Yes, I do.

 

Jimmy

Besides, trust me, you want Janni Gogolak dead.

 

Oz

No, that’s where you’re wrong. I don’t want anybody dead.

 

Jimmy

Well, If we don’t make Janni Gogolak dead, he’s gonna make you dead. The Gogolaks don’t like to leave witnesses lying around.

 

Oz

Oh. So know is… Damn it, Jimmy, why the hell did you have to move in next door to me?

 

Jimmy

Oz, do you know what kind of soil they have in this back yard? I been here two days and I got little tomato plants—

 

Oz

Ooooh. Ah. I’m living now. (Oz goes out the door and slams it and then comes back in) Sorry for yelling and… the door. I’ll be home next door, if you… (He leaves again)

 

 

End of scene.

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