Confessions of a Dangerous Mind – Adult Males – Dramatic

“You’re a pretty angry young fella, aren’t you?”from the film “Confessions of a Dangerous Mind.” Barris is approached by Byrd, who then asks him to be a CIA free agent assassin. Ideal for Adult Males in their 20s and 50s. 1-2 Mins.

Written By: Chuck Barris and Charlie Kaufman

BYRD and BARRIS:

Barris sits on the curb, nursing his wounds.    Byrd exits the

bar and casually approaches.

                   BYRD

         You’re a pretty angry young fella, aren’t

          you? Can’t fight worth a damn though.

                   BARRIS

          Screw off, fag. Don’t think I haven’t

          seen you watching me in that bar for a

          week now.

                   BYRD

          Kind of a loner, I’d say. Fairly bright.

          A tad anti-social. Mad at the world.

          Can I buy you lunch?

                   BARRIS

          Look, there’s a schoolyard half a block

          down. Why don’t you go trolling there?

Barris gets up and starts to walk away.

                   BYRD

          I could teach you at least thirty

         different ways to kill a man with a

         single blow, Mr. Barris.

Barris stops.

                   BYRD (CONT’D)

          Might help you in future bar fights.

          Just a thought.

Barris just stands there.

                   BYRD (CONT’D)

          Oh, and there’s money in it.    Good money.

Barris turns.

                                                             29.

INT. DINER – DAY

Barris and Jim Byrd sit in a booth.   Barris is wolfing a

hamburger. Byrd sips coffee.

                   BARRIS

             (mouth full)

          … and I figure if I can keep afloat

          until I come up with my next game show

          idea, then all will be copacetic.

                   BYRD

          That sounds great, Chuck. Y’know, I’ve

          never known a television producer before.

          I’m impressed.

                   BARRIS

          Yeah, yeah. So what’s this money deal

          you were talking about?

                   BYRD

          Well, I work for a government agency, and

          I can always use good, enthusiastic men

          to help me carry out my directives.

                   BARRIS

          What kind of work?   What government

         agency?

                   BYRD

              (matter-of-fact)

         Problem solving work.   For the Office of

         Diplomatic Security.

                   BARRIS

         Office of what? Never heard of it.    Is

          that the fucking CIA or something?

                   BYRD

          Please be discreet, Mr. Barris.

                   BARRIS

             (whispering)

         Jesus, it is the fucking CIA! Hell, I’ll

          be a spy! Where do I sign up? Are you

         fucking with me? You’re fucking with me,

          aren’t you?

                   BYRD

         Hardly. And you wouldn’t be with the

         company. You’d be a contract agent.

         Independent. No official tie to any

         agency. Is that understood?

                                                      (CONTINUED)

                                                             30.

CONTINUED:

                      BARRIS

             (beat)

          Why me?

                   BYRD

          As you know, I’ve been watching you. For

          years, actually. I’ve only let you know

          about it for the last week.

Chuck stops chewing.

                      BARRIS

         Jesus.

                   BYRD

          I’m happy to report you fit our profile,

          Mr. Barris. Are you interested in this

          work?

Long pause.

                   BARRIS

          Well, what’s the profile?

                   BYRD

          Are you interested in this work, Mr.

         Barris?

                   BARRIS

          Yeah, sure, I wanna be a secret agent.

         Contract agent. Whatever. Get to fuck

         beautiful Eastern European women. Wear a

         trenchcoat. Sounds like a kick.

                   BYRD

          The work we do is very serious. It’s

         essential in quelling the rise of

         communism and allowing democracy to gain

          its rightful foothold around the globe.

                     BARRIS

          Sure.    Yeah. Okay.   That’s good.

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