Midnight Run – Adult Males – Comedic

“What are you doing?” from the film “Midnight Run.” Jonathan and Jack are eating at a diner. Jack wants Jonathan to shut up and Jonathan wants Jack to like him and let him go. Ideal for Adult Males in their 30s-40s. 1-2 Mins.

Written By: George Gallo

JONATHAN and JACK:

JONATHON

What are you doing?

 

JACK

What am I doing?  Arithmetic.

 

JONATHON

Arithmetic.  Maybe I can help you.  I am an

accountant.

 

JACK

Well, you know I was thinking that after I

turn your ass in and collect my money,  I’m

going to open up a nice little coffee shop.

 

JONATHON

How much exactly are you getting for me,

if I can ask?

 

JACK

Well, I don’t think that’s any of your concern,

but I’ll tell you just to tell you.  A hundred

thousand.

 

JONATHON

A hundred thousand.  Will you take a hundred

thousand to let me go?

 

JACK

Not by a long shot.

 

JONATHON

Two hundred thousand?

 

JACK

I never took a payoff in my life, and I’m not

going to start with someone like you.

 

JONATHON

Why not?
JACK

Because you’re a fucking criminal and you

deserve to go where you’re going, and I’m

going to take you there.  And if I hear any

more shit from you I’m gonna fucking bust

your head and I’m gonna put you back in

that fucking hole, and I’m gonna put your

head in the fucking toilet bowl and I’m

gonna make it stay there.

 

JONATHON

I have to tell you a restaurant is a very tricky

investment.  More than half of them go under

within the first six months.  If I were your

accountant I’d have to strongly advise you

against it.

 

JACK

You would huh?  Well you’re not my accountant.

 

JONATHON

If I were your accountant I’d have to…..

 

JACK

I told you, I took you out here….

 

JONATHON

I’m just saying that it’s a very tricky business

and if I were your accountant I would really

have to strongly advise you against it, as an

accountant.

 

JACK

You’re not my accountant.

 

JONATHON

I realize I’m not your accountant.  I’m saying

if I were your accountant.

 

Jack eats some type of fatty food.

 

JONATHON

Are you familiar with the phrase arterial sclerosis?

Cholesterol?  If you want I’ll outline a complete

balanced diet for you.

 

JACK

Mail it to me from C block.

 

JONATHON

Why would you eat that?

JACK

Why?

 

JONATHON

Yeah.

 

JACK

Cause it tastes good.

 

JONATHON

But it’s not good for you.

 

JACK

I’m aware of that.

 

JONATHON

Well, why would you do something that you

know is not good for you?

 

JACK

Because I don’t think about it.

 

JONATHON

Well that’s living in denial.

 

JACK

Living in denial?

 

JONATHON

Yeah.

 

JACK

I’m aware of that.

 

 

JONATHON

So you’re aware of all your behavior yet

you continue to do things that aren’t good

for you.  Isn’t that sort of foolish, don’t you

think so Jack?

 

JACK

No.  Stealing fifteen million dollars from Jimmy

Serrano seems foolish.

 

JONATHON

I didn’t think I’d get caught.

 

JACK

Now that’s living in denial.

 

JONATHON

I’m aware of that.

 

JACK

Oh, so you’re aware of your behavior and yet

you continue to do things that aren’t good for you.

Sounds kind of foolish to me.  Don’t you think,

Jon?

 

JONATHON

It was foolish.  But taking fifteen million of mob

money and giving it to charity was good for a lot

of people.

 

JACK

Oh so you pissed of a Mafioso killer just to be

loved by a bunch of fucking strangers.  Makes a

lot of sense.

 

JONATHON

Don’t you want to be loved?

 

JACK

Lots of people love me.

 

JONATHON

Really.  Who?

 

 

JACK

I’ve got an ex-wife and I’ve got a daughter in

Chicago.

 

JONATHON

How do they put up with all your sarcasm?

 

JACK

Beautifully.  I haven’t seen either of them in

nine years.

 

JONATHON

Maybe we should go see them.

 

JACK

No I don’t think maybe we should go see them.

Thanks for the interest though.

 

JONATHON

The job must have been tough on them.

 

JACK

No, I didn’t do this then.

 

JONATHON

What’d you do?

 

JACK

I was a cop.

 

JONATHON

You were a cop in Chicago?  Then you must

know all about Jimmy Serrano.

 

JACK

Do you have the right to ask me certain questions?

 

JONATHON

Yeah, I think I do.

 

JACK

No you don’t.

 

JONATHON

I think I do.

 

JACK

No you don’t.

 

JONATHON

Why not?

 

JACK

Dinner’s over let’s go.

 

They get up to leave.

 

JACK (CONT.)

I can see this is going to be some fucking

trip, boy.

 

JONATHON

I wouldn’t worry about it Jack.  I’m not

going to be with you that much longer.

 

JACK

What do you mean?

 

JONATHON

From what I know about Serrano, if I go to

jail I’ll be dead within twenty four hours, so

sooner or later I’m going to have to give you

the slip.

 

Jack laughs as he lays down the tip on the bill.

 

JONATHON

Glad you find it humorous.  Two dollars, that’s

all you’re going to leave?

 

JACK

That’s fifteen percent.

 

JONATHON

That’s thirteen percent.  These people

depend on tips for a living.

 

Jack looks over the bill again.

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