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“This isn’t a game” From the Movie “Ready Player One.” Art3mis speaks about living inside an illusion. Dramatic Monologue For Teen Male Actor. 1 Min.

Written By: Ernest Cline

Art3mis: “This isn’t a game, Z. I’m doing this to stop IOI. I’m talking about real-world consequences. People suffering. Actual life-and-death stuff. No, you don’t know! My dad in a loyalty center. He borrowed gear. He built debt. He moved in with the promise of working it off, but he never did. IOI just raised his living expenses, then he got sick and he couldn’t afford to get out. And then he died! No, you don’t live in the real world, Z. From what you have told me I don’t think you ever have. You live inside this…illusion, and I can’t afford to let you distract me.”

“I’m actually talking to a rat” From the Film “Ratatouille.” Linguini despairs about his job. Dramatic Monologue For Teen/Young Adult Male Actor. 1 Min.

Written by: Brad Bird, Kath Greenberg, Bob Peterson, and Emily Cook

LINGUINI: “Don’t look at me like that. You’re not the only one who’s trapped. They expect me to cook it again! I mean, I’m not ambitious. I wasn’t trying to cook. I was just trying to stay out of trouble. You’re the one who was getting fancy with the spices! What did you throw in there? Oregano? No? What? Rosemary? That’s a spice, isn’t it? Rosemary? You didn’t throw rosemary in there? Then what was all the flipping and all the throwing the…(he sits down) I need this job. I’ve lost so many. I don’t know how to cook and now I’m actually talking to a rat as if you…..hahaha! Did you nod? Have you been nodding? Ha! You understand me?…

“Let me tell you something about Janis Ian” From the Film “Mean Girls.” Regina tells Cady about once being friends with Janis Ian. Dramatic Monologue For Teen Female Actor. 1 – 2 Min.

Written by: Tina Fey

REGINA: “Let me tell you something about Janis Ian. We were best friends in middle school. I know right, it’s sooo embarrassing. I don’t even… whatever. So then in eighth grade I started going out with my first boyfriend Kyle, who was totally gorgeous but then he moved to Indiana. And Janis was like, weirdly jealous of him. Like if I would blow her off to hang out with Kyle, she’d be like Why didn’t you call me back?! And I’d be like, Uh, why are you so obsessed with me?

So then for my birthday party, which was an all girls pool party, I was like, Janyce I can’t invite you because I think you’re a lesbian. I mean, I couldn’t have a lesbian at my party! There were going to be girls there in their bathing suits! I mean right, she was a lesbian! So then her mom called my mom and started yelling at her and it was so retarded and then she dropped out of school because no one would talk to her and she came back in the fall for high school and her hair was all cut off and she was totally weird and now I guess she’s on crack.

Oh my God! I love your skirt, where did you get it?”

LITTLE SHOP OF HORRORS – Audrey dreams of the perfect life. Comedic Monologue for Teen/ Young Adult Female Actor. Under 1 Min.

AUDREY: “Oh no. It’s just a day-dream of mine. A little development I dream of. Just off the Interstate. Not fancy like Levittown. Just a little street in a little suburb, far far from Urban Skid Row. The sweetest, greenest place- where everybody has the same little lawn out front and the same little flagstone patio out back. And all the houses are so neat and pretty… “Cause they all look just alike. Oh, I dream about it all the time. Just me. And the toaster. And a sweet little guy. Like Seymour.”

IT’S ALWAYS SUNNY IN PHILADELPHIA – Mac confronts Charlie about his office conspiracy theories involving Pepe Silvia. Comedic Monologue For Teen/Young Adult Male Actors. 1-2 Min.

CHARLIE: Now that right there is the mail. Let’s talk about the mail. Can we talk about the mail, please, Mac? I’ve been dying to talk about the mail with you all day, OK?

“Pepe Silvia,” this name keeps coming up over and over again. Every day Pepe’s mail keeps getting sent back to me. Pepe Silvia! Pepe Silvia! I look in the mail, and this whole box is Pepe Silvia!

So I say to myself, “I gotta find this guy! I gotta go up to his office and put his mail in the guy’s goddamn hands! Otherwise, he’s never going to get it and he’s going to keep coming back down here.”

So I go up to Pepe’s office and what do I find out, Mac? What do I find out?! There is no Pepe Silvia. The man does not exist, okay? So I decide, “Ohhhh shit, buddy, I gotta dig a little deeper.” There’s no Pepe Silvia? You gotta be kidding me! I got boxes full of Pepe!

All right. So I start marchin’ my way down to Carol in HR and I knock on her door and I say, “Caroooool! Carooool! I gotta talk to you about Pepe!” And when I open the door what do I find? There’s not a single goddamn desk in that office! There is…no…Carol in HR. Mac, half the employees in this building have been made up. This office is a goddamn ghost town.

HENRY VI – Joan of Arc asks the spirits to help her. Dramatic Monologue For Teen/Young Adult Female Actor. 2-3 Min.

JOAN LA PUCELLE
The regent conquers, and the Frenchmen fly.
Now help, ye charming spells and periapts;
And ye choice spirits that admonish me
And give me signs of future accidents.

You speedy helpers, that are substitutes
Under the lordly monarch of the north,
Appear and aid me in this enterprise.

This speedy and quick appearance argues proof
Of your accustom’d diligence to me.
Now, ye familiar spirits, that are cull’d
Out of the powerful regions under earth,
Help me this once, that France may get the field.

O, hold me not with silence over-long!
Where I was wont to feed you with my blood,
I’ll lop a member off and give it you
In earnest of further benefit,
So you do condescend to help me now.

No hope to have redress? My body shall
Pay recompense, if you will grant my suit.

Cannot my body nor blood-sacrifice
Entreat you to your wonted furtherance?
Then take my soul, my body, soul and all,
Before that England give the French the foil.

See, they forsake me! Now the time is come
That France must vail her lofty-plumed crest
And let her head fall into England’s lap.
My ancient incantations are too weak,
And hell too strong for me to buckle with:
Now, France, thy glory droopeth to the dust.

“Shot him in the neck” From the Film “Three Kings.” Archie tries to tell the members of his team what it’s like to get shot. 1-2 min.

Written by: David O. Russell

ARCHIE: Shot him in the neck, didn’t you? Do you know anything about gunshot wounds? (They look at him.) What makes any gunshot wound bad, provided you survive the bullet, is something called sepsis. Say a bullet tears into you right now – It creates a cavity of dead tissue, the cavity fills up with bile and bacteria and you’re fucked.

Then you got the kind of wound that paralyzes or castrates or has a scary name like tension pneumo thorax.  That’s when a bullet pierces your lung, so every time you breathe, air leaks into your chest cavity, and it fills up like a balloon, crushing your heart, your liver, your lung.  Your own breathing kills you, one breath at a time. But we’re going to do this without firing any bullets.  And just to be sure, we’re gonna do a dry run, so put your suits on.

HENRY VI – Young Clifford cries over his father’s body. Dramatic Monologue for Teen/Young Adult Male Actor. 2 Min.

YOUNG CLIFFORD
Shame and confusion! all is on the rout;
Fear frames disorder, and disorder wounds
Where it should guard. O war, thou son of hell,
Whom angry heavens do make their minister
Throw in the frozen bosoms of our part
Hot coals of vengeance! Let no soldier fly.
He that is truly dedicate to war
Hath no self-love, nor he that loves himself
Hath not essentially but by circumstance
The name of valour.

O, let the vile world end,
And the premised flames of the last day
Knit earth and heaven together!
Now let the general trumpet blow his blast,
Particularities and petty sounds
To cease! Wast thou ordain’d, dear father,
To lose thy youth in peace, and to achieve
The silver livery of advised age,
And, in thy reverence and thy chair-days, thus
To die in ruffian battle? Even at this sight
My heart is turn’d to stone: and while ’tis mine,
It shall be stony. York not our old men spares;
No more will I their babes: tears virginal
Shall be to me even as the dew to fire,
And beauty that the tyrant oft reclaims
Shall to my flaming wrath be oil and flax.
Henceforth I will not have to do with pity:
Meet I an infant of the house of York,
Into as many gobbets will I cut it
As wild Medea young Absyrtus did:
In cruelty will I seek out my fame.
Come, thou new ruin of old Clifford’s house:
As did AEneas old Anchises bear,
So bear I thee upon my manly shoulders;
But then AEneas bare a living load,
Nothing so heavy as these woes of mine.

THE GLASS MENAGERIE – Tom works at a shoe warehouse to support his family but is frustrated by his job and aspires to be a poet. 1-2 min.

TOM: What do you think I’m at? Aren’t I supposed to have any patience to reach the end of, Mother? You think I’m crazy about the warehouse? You think I’m in love with the Continental Shoemakers? You think I want to spend fifty-five years down there in that celotex interior? With fluorescent tubes? Look! I’d rather somebody picked up a crowbar and battered out my brains than go back mornings. But I go. For sixty five dollars a month I give up all that I dream of doing and being ever! And you say self- self’s all I ever think of. Why listen, if self is what I thought of Mother, I’d be where he is, GONE

I’m going to the movies! I’m going to opium dens, yes, opium dens, Mother. I’ve joined the Hogan Gang, I’m a hired assassin, I carry a tommy gun in a violin case. I run a string of cat houses in the Valley. They call me Killer, Killer Wingfield. I’m leading a double life: a simple, honest warehouse worker by day, by night, a dynamic czar of the underworld, Mother. On occasion they call me El Diablo.

Oh I could tell you many things to make you sleepless. My enemies plan to dynamite this place. They’re going to blow us all sky high some night. I’ll be glad, very happy, and so will you! You’ll go up, up on a broomstick, over Blue Mountain with seventeen gentleman callers. You ugly, babbling old witch….

LADY WINDERMERE’S FAN – Lady Windermere is getting ready for her birthday’s ball when the Duchess of Berwick pays her a visit, suggesting that her husband is seeing another woman. Comedic Monologue for Adult Female. 2-3 min.

DUCHESS OF BERWICK: “Ah, what indeed, dear? That is the point. He goes to see her continually, and stops for hours at a time, and while he is there she is not at home to any one. Not that many ladies call on her, dear, but she has a great many disreputable men friends–my own brother particularly, as I told you–and that is what makes it so dreadful about Windermere. We looked upon him as being such a model husband, but I am afraid there is no doubt about it.

My dear nieces–you know the Saville girls, don’t you?–such nice domestic creatures–plain, dreadfully plain,–but so good–well, they’re always at the window doing fancy work, and making ugly things for the poor, which I think so useful of them in these dreadful socialistic days, and this terrible woman has taken a house in Curzon Street, right opposite them–such a respectable street, too! I don’t know what we’re coming to! And they tell me that Windermere goes there four and five times a week–they see him. They can’t help it–and although they never talk scandal, they–well, of course–they remark on it to everyone.

And the worst of it all is that I have been told that this woman has got a great deal of money out of somebody, for it seems that she came to London six months ago without anything at all to speak of, and now she has this charming house in Mayfair, drives her ponies in the Park every afternoon and all–well, all–since she has known poor dear Windermere. It’s quite true, my dear. The whole of London knows about it.

That is why I felt it was better to come and talk to you, and advise you to take Windermere away at once to Homburg or to Aix, where he’ll have something to amuse him, and where you can watch him all day long. I assure you, my dear, that on several occasions after I was first married, I had to pretend to be very ill, and was obliged to drink the most unpleasant mineral waters, merely to get Berwick out of town. He was so extremely susceptible. Though I am bound to say he never gave away any large sums of money to anybody. He is far too high-principled for that!”

A STREETCAR NAMED DESIRE – Blanche makes a grim confession about her past. Dramatic monologue ideal for Adult Female Actresses. 3-4 Min.

BLANCHE: I loved someone, too, and the person I loved I lost.

He was a boy, just a boy, when I was a very young girl. When I was sixteen, I made the discovery — love.  All at once and much, much too completely. It was like you suddenly turned a blinding light on something that had always been half in shadow, that’s how it struck the world for me.

But I was unlucky. Deluded. There was something different about the boy, a nervousness, a softness and tenderness which wasn’t like a man’s, although he wasn’t the least bit effeminate looking — still– that thing was there…. He came to me for help. I didn’t know that. I didn’t find out anything till after our marriage when we’d run away and come back and all I knew was I’d failed him in some mysterious way and wasn’t able to give the help he needed but couldn’t speak of! He was in the quicksands and clutching at me — but I wasn’t holding him out, I was slipping in with him! I didn’t know that. I didn’t know anything except I loved him unendurably but without being able to help him or help myself.

Then I found out. In the worst of all possible ways. By coming suddenly into a room that I thought was empty — which wasn’t empty, but had two people in it… the boy I had married and an older man who had been his friend for years. Afterwards we pretended that nothing had been discovered. Yes, the three of us drove out to Moon Lake Casino, very drunk and laughing all the way. We danced the Varsouviana!   Suddenly in the middle of the dance the boy I had married broke away from me and ran out of the casino. A few moments later — a shot!

I ran out — all did! — all ran and gathered about the terrible thing at the edge of the lake! I couldn’t get near for the crowding. Then somebody caught my arm. “Don’t go any closer! Come back! You don’t want to see!” See?  See what! Then I heard voices say — Allan! Allan! The Gray boy! He’d stuck the revolver into his mouth, and fired — so that the back of his head had been — blown away!

It was because — on the dance-floor — unable to stop myself — I’d suddenly said — “I saw! I know! You disgust me!” And then the searchlight which had been turned on the world was turned off again and never for one moment since has there been any light that’s stronger than this — kitchen — candle…

“I used to be one of them” From the Film “Miss Congeniality.” Gracie confesses she used to think beauty pageants were anti-feminist. Comedic monologue for Adult Female Actresses. 1-2 Min. 

Written by: Marc Lawrence, Katie Ford, and Caryn Lucas

“Congrats Class of 2004″ From the Film “Legally Blonde.” Elle Woods delivers her valedictorian speech. Comedic monologue For Adult Female Actress. 1-2 Min. 

Written by: Karen McCullah and Kirsten Smith

ELLE: On our very first day at Harvard a very wise professor quoted Aristotle, “The law is reason free from passion.” Well, no offense to Aristotle, but in my three years at Harvard I have come to find that passion is a key ingredient to the study and practice of law and of life. It is with passion, courage of conviction and strong sense of self that we take our next steps into the world. Remembering that first impressions are not always correct, you must always have faith in people, and most importantly you must always have faith in yourself. Congratulations class of 2004, we did it!

“Come for the party” From the Film “The Great Gatsby.” Nick introduces the Gatsby party phenomenon. Dramatic monologue ideal for Adult Male Actors. 1-2 Min. 

Written by: Baz Luhrmann and Craig Pearce; also F. Scott Fitzgerald

NICK: There was music from my neighbor’s house through those summer nights. In his enchanted gardens, men and girls came and went like moths, among the whispering and the champagne and the stars. I believe that few people were actually invited to these parties. They just went. They got into automobiles that bore them out to Long Island, and somehow they ended up at Gatsby’s door. Come for the party with a simplicity of heart that was its own ticket of admission.

“I’ve seen horrors” From the Film “Apocalypse Now.” Colonel Kurtz lectures Willard about his theories on war and the human condition. Dramatic monologue for Adult Male Actor.  3-4 Min.

Written by: Francis Ford Coppola, John Milius, and Michael Herr

KURTZ: I’ve seen horrors, horrors that you’ve seen. But you have no right to call me a murderer. You have a right to kill me. You have a right to do that, but you have no right to judge me. It’s impossible for words to describe what is necessary to those who do not know what horror means. Horror. Horror has a face. And you must make a friend of horror. Horror and moral terror are your friends. If they are not then they are enemies to be feared.

They are truly enemies. I remember when I was with Special Forces, seems a thousand centuries ago. We went into a camp to inoculate the children. We left the camp after we had inoculated the children for Polio, and this old man came running after us and he was crying. He couldn’t see.

We went back there and they had come and hacked off every inoculated arm. There they were in a pile, a pile of little arms. And I remember, I, I, I cried, I wept like some grandmother. I wanted to tear my teeth out. I didn’t know what I wanted to do. And I want to remember it. I never want to forget it. I never want to forget. And then I realized, like I was shot, like I was shot with a diamond, a diamond bullet right through my forehead. And I thought, my God, the genius of that. The genius. The will to do that. Perfect, genuine, complete, crystalline, pure.

And then I realized they were stronger than we. Because they could stand that these were not monsters. These were men, trained cadres, these men who fought with their hearts, who had families, who had children, who were filled with love, but they had the strength, the strength, to do that. If I had ten divisions of those men our troubles here would be over very quickly. You have to have men who are moral and at the same time who are able to utilize their primordial instincts to kill without feeling, without passion, without judgment, without judgment. Because it’s judgment that defeats us.

“Wanna know how I got these scars?” From the Film “The Dark Knight.” The Joker describes how he got his scars. Dramatic monologue for Adult Male Actors. 1-2 Min. 

Written by: Christopher Nolan, David S. Goyer, and Jonathan Nolan

JOKER: Wanna know how I got these scars? My father was… a drinker. And a fiend. And one night he goes off crazier than usual. Mommy gets the kitchen knife to defend herself. He doesn’t like that. Not-one-bit. So – me watching – he takes the knife to her, laughing while he does it! Turns to me, and he says, “why so serious, son?” Comes at me with the knife… “Why so serious?” He sticks the blade in my mouth… “Let’s put a smile on that face!” And…Why so serious?

“Times were different then” From the Film “Interview with the Vampire.” Louis reveals how he met a vampire. Dramatic monologue for Adult Male Actors. 1-2 Min. 

Written by: Anne Rice

LOUIS DE POINTE DU LAC: 1791 was the year it happened. I was twenty-four, younger than you are now. But times were different then, I was a man at that age: the master of a large plantation just south of New Orleans. I had lost my wife in childbirth, and she and the infant had been buried less than half a year. I would have been happy to join them. I couldn’t bear the pain of their loss. I longed to be released from it. I wanted to lose it all… my wealth, my estate, my sanity. Most of all, I longed for death. I know that now. I invited it. A release from the pain of living. My invitation was open to anyone. To the whore at my side. To the pimp that followed. But it was a vampire that accepted it.

“And I think we should get married” From the Film “Fools Rush In.” Alex finally decides that Isabel is the one he loves. Comedic monologue for Adult Male Actor. 1-2 Min. 

Written by: Katherine Reback and Joan Taylor

ALEX: This afternoon, I couldn’t decide between a tamale and a tuna melt, but my life made sense. And now, I know exactly what I want, and my life doesn’t make any sense. And I was doing fine this afternoon, I was doing great! That was me then.

But I don’t know, somewhere between the tuna melt and your aunt’s tamales… and they were really great. I was afraid that I had already met the woman of my dreams at the dry cleaner’s or something and I was just too busy to notice. But now I’m here and I see that that’s not true because.. it’s you. Isabel, you’re the one!

You are everything I never knew I always wanted. I’m not even sure what that means exactly, but I think it has something to do with the rest of my life! And I think we should get married. Right now!

“We all masturbate” From the Film “American Pie.” Jim’s Dad tells him about masturbating. Comedic monologue for age 50+ Adult Male actors. 1-2 Min. 

Written by: Adam Herz

JIM’S DAD: Son, I wanted to talk to you about what I think you were trying to do the other day. Now, you may have tried it in the shower, or maybe in bed at night, and not even known what you were doing. Or perhaps you’ve heard your friends talking about it in the locker room. Sure you know, son, but I think you’ve been having a little problem with it. It’s okay, though. What you’re doing is perfectly normal. It’s like practice. Like when you play tennis against a wall. Someday, there’ll be a partner returning the ball.

You do want a partner, don’t you son? Now remember, it’s okay to play with yourself. Or, as I always called it — (elbows Jim) “Stroke the salami!” (chuckles) Ho-ho, Jim. There’s nothing to be ashamed of. Hell, I’m fifty-two, and I still enjoy masturbating. Uncle Mort masturbates. We all masturbate.

“Emergency Bella meeting” from the film “Pitch Perfect” – Aubrey leads and motivates the newest set of Bellas. Comedic monologue ideal for Adult Female Actresses. 1-2 Min. 

Written by Kay Cannon

AUBREY: I’m calling an emergency Bella-meeting. First up?  Our score sheet revealed that The Sockappellas almost beat us. We need to bust our asses if we’re going to make it to the Finals. From now on, we eat, sleep, and pee rehearsal.  No more wasting our time with work, school, boyfriends…  (looks to Cynthia Rose) Sorry, Cynthia Rose. Partners. Last year we were the first all-female group to get to the finals.  I promise you that I’ll get us back there again.  Let’s get started.