“The Producers” – Adult Males – Comedic

“Mr. Bialystock…” from the film “The Producers.” Bloom devises the scheme of over-producing a flop. Bialystock takes him seriously. Bloom has his meltdown (I’m wet and in pain and I’m still hysterical!!). Bialystock backs off and gets him to join him for lunch. Ideal for Adult Males in their 20s-30s.  2-3 Mins.

Written By: Mel Brooks

Bloom and Bialystock:

BLOOM

                  (recovering his dignity)

            Mr. Bialystock …

                         BIALYSTOCK

           Yes, Prince Mishkin, what can we do

            for you?

                         BLOOM

           This is hardly a time for levity.

           I’ve discovered a serious error

           here in the accounts of your last

           play.

BIALYSTOCK MOVES AROUND THE DESK TO EXAMINE THE LEDGER.

                         BIALYSTOCK

           Where?  What?

                         BLOOM

           According to the backer’s list you

           raised $60,000.  But the show you

           produced only cost fifty-eight

           thousand.  There’s two thousand

           dollars unaccounted for.

                         BIALYSTOCK

            I went to a Turkish bath, who cares?

            The show was a flop.  What

           difference does it make?

                         BLOOM

            It makes a great deal of difference.

           That’s fraud.  If they found out,

            you could go to prison.

                         BIALYSTOCK

            Why should they find out?  It’s

           only two thousand dollars,  Bloom,

            do me a favor, move a few decimal

           points around.  You can do it.

           You’re an accountant.  The word

           ‘count’ is part of your title.

                         BLOOM

                  (aghast)

            But that’s cheating!

                         BIALYSTOCK

           It’s not cheating … It’s charity.

           Bloom, look at me … look at me!

            I’m drowning.  Other men sail

           through life.  Bialystock has

           struck a reef.  Bloom, I’m going

           under.  I am being sunk by a

           society that demands success, when

            all I can offer is failure.  Bloom,

            I’m reaching out to you.  Don’t

           send me to jail.  Help!  Help!

DURING BIALYSTOCK’S LAST SPEECH, BLOOM UNCONSCIOUSLY REACHES

INTO HIS POCKET, TAKES OUT THE BLUE BLANKET AND RUBS IT

ACROSS HIS CHEEK.

                         BLOOM

            Oh dear, oh dear, oh dear, oh dear.

                         BIALYSTOCK

                  (faintly)

           Help!

                         BLOOM

            All right.  I’ll do it.  I’ll do it.

                         BIALYSTOCK

           Thank you, Bloom.  I knew I could

            con you.

                         BLOOM

            Oh, it’s all right … wha?

                         BIALYSTOCK

           Nothing.  Nothing.  Do it. Do it.

                         BLOOM

                  (pouring over the accounts)

            Now let’s see, two thousand dollars.

           That isn’t much.  I’m sure I can

           hide it somewhere.  After all, the

           department of internal revenue

           isn’t interested in a show that

           flopped.

                         BIALYSTOCK

           Yes.  Right.  Good thinking.  You

           figure it out.  I’m tired.  I’m

           gonna take a little nap.

                  (crossing to couch)

           Wake me if there’s a fire.

HE HURLS HIMSELF DOWN ONTO THE COUCH.

CAMERA MOVES IN TO TIGHT SHOT OF BLOOM.

                         BLOOM

            Now let’s see, if we add these

           figures, we get …

CAMERA MOVES INTO CLOSE-UP OF BLOOM’S FINGER SWIFTLY MOVING

DOWN LONG COLUMN OF FIGURES.  HE COMES TO THE END AND

IMMEDIATELY WRITHES TOTAL BELOW.

BACK TO TIGHT SHOT OF BLOOM.  HE COMPARES PAGES.

                         BLOOM

                  (musing to himself)

           Heh, heh, heh, amazing.  It’s

           absolutely amazing.  But under the

           right circumstances, a producer

           could make more money with a flop

           than he could with a hit.

QUICK CUT TO BIALYSTOCK’S SLEEPING FACE.  HIS EYES POP OPEN.

CUT BACK TO BLOOM.

                         BLOOM

           Yes.  Yes.  It’s quite possible.

            If he were certain the show would

           fail, a man could make a fortune.

CUT TO BIALYSTOCK. BY NOW HE IS HALFWAY ACROSS THE ROOM.

HIS WHOLE BEING TINGLING WITH ALERTNESS.  HE MOVES TO

BLOOM’S DESK AND HOVERS OVER HIM, WAITING EXPECTANTLY FOR

MORE INFORMATION. BUT BLOOM IS LOST IN HIS WORK, UNAWARE

THAT BIALYSTOCK IS HANGING ON HIS EVERY WORD.

                         BIALYSTOCK

            Yes???

BLOOM LOOKS UP. HE IS STARTLED TO SEE BIALYSTOCK’S FACE SO

CLOSE TO HIS OWN.

                         BLOOM

                  (at a loss)

           Yes, what?

                         BIALYSTOCK

           What you were saying.  Keep talking.

                         BLOOM

           What was I saying?

                         BIALYSTOCK

            You were saying that under the

           right circumstances, a producer

           could make more money with a flop

            than he could with a hit.

                         BLOOM

                  (smiling)

           Yes, it’s quite possible.

                         BIALYSTOCK

            You keep saying that, but you don’t

           tell me how.  How could a producer

            make more money with a flop than

           with a hit?

BLOOM, SLIGHTLY EXASPERATED, PUTS HIS PENCIL DOWN AND FACES

BIALYSTOCK.  HE SPEAKS TO BIALYSTOCK AS A TEACHER WOULD A

STUDENT.

                         BLOOM

           It’s simply a matter of creative

           accounting.  Let us assume, just

            for the moment, that you are a

           dishonest man.

                         BIALYSTOCK

           Assume away!

                         BLOOM

           Well, it’s very easy.  You simply

           raise more money than you really

           need.

                         BIALYSTOCK

           What do you mean?

                         BLOOM

            You’ve done it yourself, only you

            did it on a very small scale.

                         BIALYSTOCK

           What did I do?

                         BLOOM

            You raised two thousand more than

            you needed to produce your last play.

                         BIALYSTOCK

            So what?  What did it get me?  I’m

           wearing a cardboard belt.

                         BLOOM

           Ahhhhhh!  But that’s where you made

           your error.  You didn’t go all the

           way.  You see, if you were really a

           bold criminal, you could have

           raised a million.

                         BIALYSTOCK

            But the play only cost $60,000 to

           produce.

                         BLOOM

           Exactly.  And how long did it run?

                         BIALYSTOCK

            One night.

                         BLOOM

           See?  You could have raised a

            million dollars, put on a sixty

           thousand dollar flop and kept the

           rest.

                         BIALYSTOCK

            But what if the play was a hit?

                         BLOOM

            Oh, you’d go to jail.  If the play

           were a hit, you’d have to pay off

            the backers, and with so many

           backers there could never be enough

           profits to go around, get it?

                         BIALYSTOCK

           Aha, aha, aha, aha, aha, aha!! So,

            in order for the scheme to work,

           we’d have to find a sure fire flop.

                         BLOOM

           What scheme?

                         BIALYSTOCK

           What scheme?  Your scheme, you

            bloody little genius.

                         BLOOM

            Oh, no.  No. No.  I meant no

           scheme.  I merely posed a little,

           academic accounting theory.  It’s

           just a thought.

                         BIALYSTOCK

            Bloom, worlds are turned on such

           thoughts!

BIALYSTOCK STARTS MOVING IN ON BLOOM.

                         BIALYSTOCK

           Don’t you see, Bloom.  Darling,

           Bloom, glorious Bloom, it’s so

           simple.  Step one:  We find the

           worst play in the world — a sure

           flop.  Step two:  I raise a million

           dollars — there’s a lot of little

            old ladies in this world.  Step

           three:  You go back to work on the

            books. Phoney lists of backers —

            one for the government, one for us.

            You can do it, Bloom, you’re a

           wizard.

                         (MORE)

                         BIALYSTOCK (CONT’D)

           Step four:  We open on Broadway and

           before you can say ‘step five’ we

           close on Broadway.  Step six:  We

           take our million dollars and fly to

            Rio de Janiero.

BIALYSTOCK GRABS BLOOM IN HIS ARMS AND BEGINS TO LEAD HIM IN

A WILD TANGO AROUND THE ROOM.

                         BIALYSTOCK

                  (sings)

           “Ah, Rio, Rio by the seao, meo,

           myo, meo … “

                         BLOOM

                   (afraid of the

                  scheme, afraid of the

                  dance, afraid of Bialystock)

            Mr. Bialystock.  No.  Wait. Please.

           You’re holding me too tight.  I’m

            an honest man.  You don’t understand.

                         BIALYSTOCK

                  (leading Bloom as he talks)

            No, Bloom, you don’t understand.

           This is fate, this is destiny.

           There’s no avoiding it.

AT THIS POINT, BIALYSTOCK SWEEPS BLOOM INTO AN ELABORATE DIP.

                         BLOOM

                  (the back of his head

                  practically touching

                  the floor)

            Mr. Bialystock, not more than five

           minutes ago, against my better

           judgment, I doctored your books.

           That, sir, is the ultimate extent

            of my criminal life.

BIALYSTOCK RAISES HIS FISTS TO THE HEAVENS IN DESPAIR.

BLOOM, EXPERIENCING A DEFINITE LACK OF SUPPORT, GOES CRASHING

TO THE FLOOR.

                         BIALYSTOCK

           OOOOOHH!  OOOOOHH!  OOOOOHH!

           OOOOOHH!  I WANT THAT MONEY!

CAMERA ON BLOOM AS HE LIES STRICKEN ON THE FLOOR.

                        BLOOM

                  (to himself)

            Oh, I fell on my keys.

                  (he shifts slightly

                  to make himself more comfortable)

           I’ve got to get out of here.

                         BIALYSTOCK

                   (angrily hovering

                  over Bloom)

            You miserable, cowardly, wretched

           little caterpillar.  Don’t you ever

           want to become a butterfly?  Don’t

            you want to spread your wings and

            flap your way to glory?

BIALYSTOCK FLAPS HIS ARMS LIKE A HUGE PREDATORY BIRD.

                         BLOOM

                  (his eyes widened in terror)

           You’re going to jump on me.

BIALYSTOCK STARES AT HIM INCREDULOUSLY.

                         BLOOM

           You’re going to jump on me.  I know

           you’re going to jump on me — like

           Nero jumped on Poppea.

                         BIALYSTOCK

                  (nonplussed)

           What???

                        BLOOM

                  (by now he is shrieking)

           Poppea.  She was his wife.  And she

            was unfaithful to him.  So he got

            mad and he jumped on her.  Up and

           down, up and down, until he squashed

            her like a bug.  Please don’t jump

            on me.

                         BIALYSTOCK

                  (shouting and jumping

                  up and down next to Bloom)

            I’m not going to jump on you!

                         BLOOM

                  (rolling away in terror)

           Aaaaaaaaaa!

                         BIALYSTOCK

                  (hoisting Bloom to

                  his feet)

           Will you get a hold on yourself.

                         BLOOM

                  (up on his feet and

                  running for cover)

           Don’t touch me!  Don’t touch me!

HE RUNS TO A CORNER OF THE ROOM.  TRAPPED! HE TURNS.

                        BIALYSTOCK

           What are you afraid of?  I’m not

           going to hurt you!  What’s the

           matter with you?

                         BLOOM

            I’m hysterical.  I’m having

           hysterics.  I’m hysterical.  I

            can’t stop. When I get like this,

            I can’t stop.  I’m hysterical.

BIALYSTOCK RUSHES TO THE DESK.  PICKS UP A CARAFE OF WATER

AND SHOSHES ITS CONTENTS INTO BLOOM’S FACE.

                         BLOOM

            I’m wet!  I’m wet!  I’m hysterical

            and I’m wet!

BIALYSTOCK IN A DESPERATE MOVE TO STOP BLOOM’S HYSTERICS,

SLAPS HIM ACROSS THE FACE.

                         BLOOM

                  (holding his face)

            I’m in pain!  And I’m wet!  And I’m

           still hysterical!

BIALYSTOCK RAISES HIS HAND AGAIN.

                         BLOOM

           No!  No!  Don’t hit. It doesn’t

           help.  It only increases my sense

            of danger.

                         BIALYSTOCK

           What can I do?  What can I do?

           You’re getting me hysterical.

                         BLOOM

            Go away from me.  You frighten me.

                  (he indicates the sofa)

            Sit over there.

BIALYSTOCK SITS ON THE SOFA.

                         BIALYSTOCK

                  (exasperated)

           Okay.  I’m way over here.  Is that

           better?

                         BLOOM

           It’s a little better, but you still

           look angry.

                         BIALYSTOCK

           How’s this?

                  (he smiles sweetly)

                         BLOOM

           Good.  Good.  That’s nice. That’s

           very nice.  I think I’m coming out

            of it now.  Yes.  Yes. I’m

           definitely coming out of it. Thank

            you for smiling.  It helped a great

           deal.

                         BIALYSTOCK

                  (for want of something

                  sensible)

           Well, you know what they say,

           “Smile and the world smiles with

           you.”  Heh, heh.

                  (to himself)

            The man should be in a straight

           jacket.

                  (to Bloom)

            Feeling better?

                         BLOOM

           Much, thank you.  But I am a little

           lightheaded.  Maybe I should eat

           something.  Hysterics have a way of

           severely depleting one’s blood

           sugar, you know.

                         BIALYSTOCK

           They certainly do.  They certainly

           do.  Come, let me take you to lunch.

                         BLOOM

           That’s very kind of you, Mr.

           Bialystock, but I …

                         BIALYSTOCK

                  (interrupting)

           Nonsense, nonsense, my dear boy. I

           lowered your blood sugar, but least

            I could do is raise it a little.

BLOOM LOOKS AT HIM SUSPICIOUSLY.

                         BIALYSTOCK

            And I promise you faithfully, I

           won’t discuss that silly scheme to

           make a million dollars anymore.

BIALYSTOCK DONS HIS CAPE AND “BELASCO” HAT.  FROM A RACK HE

SELECTS A GOLD-TOPPED WALKING STICK.  HE GOES TO DOOR, OPENS

IT, AND WITH A GRAND FLOURISH, MOTIONS BLOOM TO PRECEDE HIM.

                         BIALYSTOCK

            Avanti!

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