“And I think we should get married” From the Film “Fools Rush In.” Alex finally decides that Isabel is the one he loves. Comedic monologue for Adult Male Actor. 1-2 Min. 

Written by: Katherine Reback and Joan Taylor

ALEX: This afternoon, I couldn’t decide between a tamale and a tuna melt, but my life made sense. And now, I know exactly what I want, and my life doesn’t make any sense. And I was doing fine this afternoon, I was doing great! That was me then.

But I don’t know, somewhere between the tuna melt and your aunt’s tamales… and they were really great. I was afraid that I had already met the woman of my dreams at the dry cleaner’s or something and I was just too busy to notice. But now I’m here and I see that that’s not true because.. it’s you. Isabel, you’re the one!

You are everything I never knew I always wanted. I’m not even sure what that means exactly, but I think it has something to do with the rest of my life! And I think we should get married. Right now!

“We all masturbate” From the Film “American Pie.” Jim’s Dad tells him about masturbating. Comedic monologue for age 50+ Adult Male actors. 1-2 Min. 

Written by: Adam Herz

JIM’S DAD: Son, I wanted to talk to you about what I think you were trying to do the other day. Now, you may have tried it in the shower, or maybe in bed at night, and not even known what you were doing. Or perhaps you’ve heard your friends talking about it in the locker room. Sure you know, son, but I think you’ve been having a little problem with it. It’s okay, though. What you’re doing is perfectly normal. It’s like practice. Like when you play tennis against a wall. Someday, there’ll be a partner returning the ball.

You do want a partner, don’t you son? Now remember, it’s okay to play with yourself. Or, as I always called it — (elbows Jim) “Stroke the salami!” (chuckles) Ho-ho, Jim. There’s nothing to be ashamed of. Hell, I’m fifty-two, and I still enjoy masturbating. Uncle Mort masturbates. We all masturbate.

“Emergency Bella meeting” from the film “Pitch Perfect” – Aubrey leads and motivates the newest set of Bellas. Comedic monologue ideal for Adult Female Actresses. 1-2 Min. 

Written by Kay Cannon

AUBREY: I’m calling an emergency Bella-meeting. First up?  Our score sheet revealed that The Sockappellas almost beat us. We need to bust our asses if we’re going to make it to the Finals. From now on, we eat, sleep, and pee rehearsal.  No more wasting our time with work, school, boyfriends…  (looks to Cynthia Rose) Sorry, Cynthia Rose. Partners. Last year we were the first all-female group to get to the finals.  I promise you that I’ll get us back there again.  Let’s get started.

“While I was institutionalized” From the Film “12 Monkeys.” Jeffrey tries to explain to the other patients what he’s gone through. Dramatic monologue for Adult Male. 2-3 Min.

Written by: Chris Marker, David Webb Peoples, and Janet Peoples

JEFFREY: WHO CARES WHAT PSYCHIATRISTS WRITE ON WALLS? (moves to Fale, jabs him with a finger) You think I told her about the Army of the 12 Monkeys? Impossible! Know why, you pathetically ineffectual and pusillanimous “pretend-friend-to-animals”?!  I’ll tell you why: because when I had anything to do with her six years ago, there was no such thing — I hadn’t even thought of it yet!

JEFFREY abruptly switches from rage to good humor, adopting a supercilious smile and a patronizing tone.

Here’s my theory on that.  While I was institutionalized, my brain was studied exhaustively in the guise of mental health. I was interrogated, x-rayed, studied thoroughly.  Then, everything about me was entered into a computer where they created a model of my mind.

They all stare, mesmerized, at the strutting JEFFREY.  Is he serious?  Is he crazy?  Doesn’t matter — he’s charismatic.

Then, using the computer model, they generated every thought I could possibly have in the next, say ten years, which they then filtered through a probability matrix to determine everything I was going to do in that period.  So you see, she knew I was going to lead the Army of the Twelve Monkeys into the pages of history before it ever even occurred to me.  She knows everything I’m ever going to do before I know it myself.  How about that? Now I have to get going — do my part. You guys check all this stuff out and load up the van.  Make sure you have everything.  I’m outta here.

“A little story about a girl named Megan” from the film “Bridesmaids”- Megan tries to set Annie straight. Comedic monologue for adult female. 1-2 min.

Written by Annie Mumolo & Kristen Wiig

MEGAN: I think you’re ready to hear a little story about a girl named Megan who didn’t have a very good time in high school. I’m referring to myself when I say Megan, it’s me Megan. I know you look at me now and think, boy she must have breezed through high school. Not the case Annie. This was not easy going up and down the halls with. They used to try to blow me up. People used to throw firecrackers on my head in high school. Firecrackers, literally, not figuratively. They called me a freak.

Do you think I let that stop me? Do you think I went home crying to my mommy, “Oh, I don’t have any friends.” I did not. You know what I did? I pulled myself up, I studied hard, I read every book in the library and now I work for the government and have the highest possible security clearance. Don’t repeat that. I cannot protect you. I know where all the nukes are and I know the codes. You would be amazed, a lot of shopping malls. Don’t repeat that.

I have six houses. I bought an eighteen wheeler just cause I could. You lost Lillian. You got another best friend sitting right in front of you if you’d notice. You need to stop feeling sorry for yourself. I do not associate with people that blame the world for their problems cause you’re your problem Annie, and you’re also your solution. You get that? I know you do, I know you do. Come on, bring it in.

“I’m not even a teacher” From the Film “School of Rock.” Dewey apologizes to the school for pretending to be a teacher. Dramedy monologue for Adult Male Actors. 1-2 Min. 

Written by: Mike White

DEWEY: I’m not Melvin Schneebly. I’m not even a teacher. Sorry, Roz. (Dewey gives a stunned Mrs. Mullins an apologetic smile. Confusion erupts in the crowd.) My name’s Dewey Finn. I came here ‘cause I needed a back-up band. I used to go here, though. I was kicked out when I was seven. I always felt like if this school had been easier on me – maybe things would have been different. Maybe my dad would have liked me better. Maybe he would have believed in me. After I got kicked out, I gave up on education. I was gonna be a rebel – stick it to the man. Rock ‘n roll. What I didn’t realize was that when I gave up on education. I gave up on myself.

I was so gung-ho not to do what people wanted me to do – I never really thought about what I wanted to do. A good education helps you figure out who you are – what makes you happy. Not what makes your parents happy. Or your teachers. You. I’ve never been happier than when I was with these kids. Your kids are awesome. You should be proud of them. They gave me a real education and I betrayed them. I lied to them and I let them down. But don’t make them pay for my mistakes. I’m sorry, everybody.

“I was a late bloomer” from the film “UP IN THE AIR” Ryan relives a near death experience and what it taught him. Dramatic monologue for adult male. 1-2 min. 

Writer: Jason Reitman and Sheldon Turner

RYAN: I was a late bloomer. (back to story) It was January and I had just gotten my driver’s license. The lakes were frozen over, so we piled into my car and hit the ice to do donuts. When, out of nowhere, I hit a soft spot and the hood of my car tilted up and I’m sinking backwards into the water.

My door wouldn’t budge and we literally started to drown. Within a few seconds, I black out. Then, I wake up in the sky. I’m in a helicopter, laying on a stretcher. This guy in a uniform is telling me I was minutes away from dying.

Right? (relives it for a second) So just as we’re hovering over the hospital, I sit up. And from there, I could see the whole western horizon. Snowy rivers. Bridges with sparkling tail lights. (a beat) My parents had lied. They’d taught me we lived in the best place in the world, but now I could see that the world was really just one place and comparing didn’t make much sense.  (catches himself)  We’d been flying twenty minutes. Twenty minutes to reach a city I’d thought of as remote, halfway across the state… a foreign capital. And I remember thinking – Don’t tell me this isn’t an age of miracles. Don’t tell me we can’t be everywhere at once.

“My grandparents” from the film “50 FIRST DATES” Henry tells Lucy how his grandparents met. Comedic monologue ideal for Adult Male Actors. 1-2 Min.

Written by: George Wing

HENRY: My grandparents. He was a political prisoner in Argentina.  She was a human rights observer sent to interview him. When it was time for her to leave, he asked if he could look at her face for a while so that he would have something beautiful to remember in the long months ahead. He stared at her for a whole hour.

One year later, she went back for a second interview.  He reached under his bunk and he showed her a little chip of wood.  On this chip he had laboriously painted my grandmother’s face, using ashes mixed with water for ink, and his own hair as a paintbrush.  He did it from memory, but it was a perfect likeness of her. She looked at it, and then she looked at him.  The moment their eyes met, they fell in love.

For the next three years, they were allowed to see each other only once a year for two hours.  But they wrote the most incredible, passionate letters every day, and they really made those two hours count.  Thanks to her efforts, my grandfather was finally released, and they moved to the U.S.  But every year, to this day, they spend a couple of weeks apart and then when they miss each other so much they can’t stand it, they meet in a tiny hotel room for exactly two hours and re-live the passion of their youth.

I embellished a little. They met in a donut shop.

ION – Ion is concerned about moving to Athens. Dramatic Monologue For Teen/Young Adult Male Actor. 2-3 Min.

ION
Far other things appear when nigh, than seen
At distance. I indeed embrace my fortune,
In thee my father found. But hear what now
Wakes sad reflections. Proud of their high race
Are your Athenians, natives of the land,
Not drawn from foreign lineage: I to them
Shall come unwelcome, in two points defective,
My father not a native, and myself
Of spurious birth: loaded with this reproach,
If destitute of power, I shall be held
Abject and worthless: should I rush among
The highest order of the state, and wish
To appear important, inferior ranks
Will hate me; aught above them gives disgust.
The good, the wise, men form’d to serve the state,
Are silent, nor at public honours aim
Too hastily: by such, were I not quiet
In such a bustling state, I should be deem’d
Ridiculous, and proverb’d for a fool.
Should I attain the dignity of those,
Whose approved worth hath raised them to the height
Of public honours, by such suffrage more
Should I be watch’d; for they that hold in states
Rule and pre-eminence, bear hostile minds
To all that vie with them. And should I come
To a strange house a stranger, to a woman
Childless herself, who that misfortune shared
Before with thee, now sees it her sole lot,
And feels it bitterly, would she not hate me,
And that with justice? When I stand before them.
With what an eye would she, who hath no child,
Look on thy child? In tenderness to her,
Thy wife, thou must forsake me, or embroil
Thy house in discord, if thou favour me.
What murderous means, what poisonous drugs for men
Have women with inventive rage prepared!
Besides, I have much pity for thy wife,
Now growing old without a child, that grief
Unmerited, the last of her high race,
The exterior face indeed of royalty,
So causelessly commended, bath its brightness;
Within, all gloom: for what sweet peace of mind,
What happiness is his, whose years are pass’d
In comfortless suspicion, and the dread
Of violence? Be mine the humble blessings
Of private life, rather than be a king,
From the flagitious forced to choose my friends,
And hate the virtuous through the fear of death.
Gold, thou mayst tell me, hath o’er things like these
A sovereign power, and riches give delight:
I have no pleasure in this noisy pomp,
Nor, while I guard my riches, in the toil:
Be mine a modest mean that knows not care.
And now, my father, hear the happy state
I here enjoy’d; and first, to mortal man
That dearest blessing, leisure, and no bustle
To cause disturbance: me no ruffian force
Shoved from the way: it is not to be borne,
When every insolent and worthless wretch
Makes you give place. The worship of the god
Employ’d my life, or (no unpleasing task)
Service to men well pleased: the parting guest
I bade farewell-welcomed the new-arrived.
Thus something always new made every hour
Glide sweetly on; and to the human mind
That dearest wish, though some regard it not,
To be, what duty and my nature made me,
Just to the god: revolving this, my father,
I wish not for thy Athens to exchange
This state; permit me to myself to live;
Dear to the mind pleasures that arise
From humble life, as those which greatness brings.

FUN HOME – Alison reacts to her father’s response to her coming-out letter. Dramatic/Comedic Monologue For Teen Female Actor. 1-2 Min.

MEDIUM ALISON: (reading) “Dear Al, big week at Fun Home. Couple of kids from Lock Haven wrapped their car around a tree and I ended up working two eighteen-hour shifts. Bad for my blood pressure. Anyway, that’s why I’ve been out of touch for a bit.

“Oh, by the way, we got your letter. Well, kid, talk about a flair for the dramatic! As far as I see it, the good news is you’re human.” What does that mean? What else would I be?

“Your mother’s pretty upset – not surprising, I guess, but I’m of the opinion that everyone should…experiment.” Seriously?! “I can’t say, though, that I see the value of putting a label on yourself. There have been a few times in my life when I thought about taking a stand, but I’m not a hero. Is that a cop-out? Maybe so. It’s hard sometimes to tell what is really worth it.”

God. I just – The tone is what I can’t stand. It’s so typical! So all-knowing! He has to be the expert! Lots of advice and wisdom on things he knows nothing about. I’m gay, which means I’m not like him, and I’ve never been like him, and he can’t handle that! He still wants to be this intellectual, broad-minded liberal bohemian, but he can’t pull it off, because he can’t deal with me. And you know what? He never could. He never could.

“It’s a good non-specific symptom” from the film “FERRIS BUELLER’S DAY OFF” – Ferris Bueller’s intro monologue. Comedic Monologue For Teen Male Actor. 1-2 Min.

Written by: John Hughes

Ferris Bueller: “The key to faking out the parents is the clammy hands. It’s a good non-specific symptom. A lot of people will tell you that a phony fever is a deadlock, but if you get a nervous mother, you could land in the doctor’s office. That’s worse than school. What you do is, you fake a stomach cramp, and when you’re bent over, moaning and wailing, (confidently) you lick your palms. It’s a little childish and stupid, but then, so is high school.

I did have a test today. That wasn’t bullshit. It’s on European socialism. I mean, really, what’s the point? I’m not European, I don’t plan on being European, so who gives a crap if they’re socialist? They could be fascist anarchists – that still wouldn’t change the fact that I don’t own a car. Not that I condone fascism, or any ism for that matter. Isms in my opinion are not good. A person should not believe in an ism – he should believe in himself. I quote John Lennon: “I don’t believe in Beatles – I just believe in me.” A good point there. Of course, he was the Walrus. I could be the Walrus – I’d still have to bum rides off of people. “

AS YOU LIKE IT – Orlando laments about his life. Dramatic Monologue For Teen/Young Adult Male Actor. 1-2 Min.

ORLANDO
As I remember, Adam, it was upon this fashion
bequeathed me by will but poor a thousand crowns,
and, as thou sayest, charged my brother, on his
blessing, to breed me well: and there begins my
sadness. My brother Jaques he keeps at school, and
report speaks goldenly of his profit: for my part,
he keeps me rustically at home, or, to speak more
properly, stays me here at home unkept; for call you
that keeping for a gentleman of my birth, that
differs not from the stalling of an ox? His horses
are bred better; for, besides that they are fair
with their feeding, they are taught their manage,
and to that end riders dearly hired: but I, his
brother, gain nothing under him but growth; for the
which his animals on his dunghills are as much
bound to him as I. Besides this nothing that he so
plentifully gives me, the something that nature gave
me his countenance seems to take from me: he lets
me feed with his hinds, bars me the place of a
brother, and, as much as in him lies, mines my
gentility with my education. This is it, Adam, that
grieves me; and the spirit of my father, which I
think is within me, begins to mutiny against this
servitude: I will no longer endure it, though yet I
know no wise remedy how to avoid it.

AMERICAN HORROR STORY – Violet talks to Ben about school and about Vivien. Dramatic Monologue For Teen Female Actor. 1 Min.

VIOLET: I don’t like school. It’s boring and they bully me. That is so you. Some kids say they’re bullied and their parents just pull them right out.

You ask me to define bullying. How is it that a big fancy shrink hasn’t noticed that his wife has totally lost her shit? Well, when she’s not in bed, or worrying about absolutely everything, she’s eating raw brains. Maybe she’s worried the twins are stealing hers, ’cause that’s kind of how it seems.

This isn’t about me. I’m saying Mom’s crazy and it’s your fault. You drove her crazy. You’re a cheater. Young girls, old ladies with feather dusters? You’re so weird and pathetic I’m surprised you haven’t gone after me. I don’t have any more to say anyway. Session’s over.

AMERICAN HORROR STORY – Vivien questions her sanity. Dramatic Monologue For Teen/Young Adult Female Actor. 1 Min.

VIVIEN: It’s my own fault. I read labels on everything and then when it really counted, I just didn’t. I just followed directions blindly. My doctor gave me a prescription last week for a drug for nausea, and I just checked it on the internet and it says that it can cause fevers, and seizures and, umm, vision changes. It’s the only explanation for all the crazy stuff that’s been happening. My doctor never even told me about the side effects. My mind is playing tricks on me, Moira. I’m literally seeing things. And everybody thinks I’m crazy. I know Ben does, I know it. and I’ve been too embarrassed to call Luke. I had no idea.

AMERICAN CRIME – Taylor confronts his former guardian after he finds out that Taylor is gay. Dramatic Monologue for Teen/Young Adult Male Actor. 1 Min.

TAYLOR: I wanted to talk. I messed up. Lied.

Mom’s got problems. You know that. She’s never home. She, um, she can’t let go. They’re making her— they are making her crazy.

Remember we used to go to the Colts games? Every time you could you’d take me. Remember we stopped going? I stopped wanting to go. Do you know why? They were playing the Packers one time; they were getting— getting killed.

And you started screaming, “stop playing like queers, quit playing like a bunch of queers,” loud as you could, over and over, right in front of my face. Same man who spent 8 months raising me, screaming about queers. Do you remember that game, Nate? I remember that game.

I’m talking with someone and he tells me I’ve got to… confront things. So… I’m confronting things.

AMERICAN HORROR STORY – Dandy talks with a detective. Dramatic Monologue for Teen/Young Adult Male Actors. 1 Min.

DANDY: My mother taught me the importance of decorum: offering an aperitif is the first duty of a gracious host.
Believe it or not, Regina and I grew up together. We were childhood best friends. Inseparable- until the summer I turned 9 and became aware of the difference in our stations.

But even though we’ve grown apart, I’ve never known Regina to lie. So if she says I killed them, then they must be dead. But what she didn’t tell you, Detective Colquitt, is the absolute conviction that I am going to get away with it.

The Mott family owns the biggest brands of frozen foods across America. You’d be surprised how much money can be made one block of spinach at a time. So, including this estate, and the house in Montauk, and the stocks and bonds held in trust from my grandfather, the fortune left to me could easily sustain a small country. But more importantly, I’ve been imbued with the light. I have seen the face of God and he is looking at me from the mirror. I can thing of nothing that can stop me now.

I have an idea. You dig a hole. For her. You work for me, and I will pay you one million dollars cash.

“Can we not do this please?” from the film “BIRDMAN” Riggan produces a play to revive his career. Dramatic Monologue for Male Teen/Young Adult Actors. 1-2 Min.

Written by: Alejandro Gonzalez Inarritu, Nicolas Giacobone, Armando Bo, and Alexander Dinelaris

SAM: Can we not do this, please? Dad! That’s chunky peanut butter… oh, that’s pot. Relax, relax. I can’t do this to you? Oh, yeah, you’re talking about you, what else is new? That thing where I make it about me? This is not important! That means something to who?

You had a career, Dad, before the third comic book movie. Before people started to forget who was inside that bird costume. You are doing a play based on a book that was written sixty years ago for a thousand rich old white people whose only real concern is gonna be where they go to have their cake and coffee when it’s over. No one gives a shit but you!

And let’s face it, Dad, you are not doing this for the sake of art – you are doing this because you want to feel relevant again. Well, guess what – there is an entire world out there where people fight to be relevant every single day and you act like it doesn’t exist.

Things are happening in a place that you ignore, a place that – by the way – has already forgotten about you. I mean, who the fuck are you? You hate bloggers, you mock Twitter, you don’t even have a Facebook page. You’re the one who doesn’t exist! You’re doing this because you’re scared to death – like the rest of us – that you don’t matter. And you know what? You’re right. You don’t. It’s not important, okay? You’re not important. Get used to it.

ALL’S WELL THAT ENDS WELL – Helena laments about Bertram leaving for France. Dramatic/Comedic Monologue For Teen Female Actor. 1-2 Min.

HELENA
O, were that all! I think not on my father;
And these great tears grace his remembrance more
Than those I shed for him. What was he like?
I have forgot him: my imagination
Carries no favour in’t but Bertram’s.
I am undone: there is no living, none,
If Bertram be away. ‘Twere all one
That I should love a bright particular star
And think to wed it, he is so above me:
In his bright radiance and collateral light
Must I be comforted, not in his sphere.
The ambition in my love thus plagues itself:
The hind that would be mated by the lion
Must die for love. ‘Twas pretty, though plague,
To see him every hour; to sit and draw
His arched brows, his hawking eye, his curls,
In our heart’s table; heart too capable
Of every line and trick of his sweet favour:
But now he’s gone, and my idolatrous fancy
Must sanctify his reliques. Who comes here?

[Enter PAROLLES] [Aside]

One that goes with him: I love him for his sake;
And yet I know him a notorious liar,
Think him a great way fool, solely a coward;
Yet these fixed evils sit so fit in him,
That they take place, when virtue’s steely bones
Look bleak i’ the cold wind: withal, full oft we see
Cold wisdom waiting on superfluous folly.

“It’s great to meet you, really.” from the film “500 DAYS OF SUMMER” Tom tries to explain to Alison why he’s not ready to date her. Dramatic Monologue ideal for Adult Male Actors. 1-2 Min. 

Written by: Scott Neustadter and Michael H. Weber

TOM: Alison? Listen… It’s great to meet you, really. You’re a very attractive girl. But I should tell you right off the bat … this is not going anywhere.

It’s not you. It’s me. You seem like a real sweet girl and I, just, I don’t want you to get hurt. You know what I mean?

I know we just met like 3 minutes ago but you’re probably looking for someone to get serious with, someone with potential … someone who will take you out to eat a few times, see a movie, fool around a little bit, next thing you know we’re getting a dog and you’re moving in. And that’s not me. You want to come inside, have some chicken fingers awesome. But that other stuff I gotta tell you up front … I’m just not ready, Alison.

I liked this girl. Loved her even. And what did she do? She took a giant shit on my face. Literally.  Not literally. Jesus, that’s disgusting, what’s wrong with you? The point is I’m messed up. On one hand, I want to forget her. On the other, I think she’s the only person on Earth who can make me happy.

Every time I think I’m over the hump, I’ll have a dream or I’ll see some girl who looks like her from the back. And that’s it. Back to square one. And you know what… I’m gonna get her back.

“Nothing’s perfect, Benjamin” from the film “The Graduate” – Elaine opens up to Ben. Dramatic monologue ideal for Adult Female Actresses. 1-2 Min. 

Written by Calder Willingham & Buck Henry

ELAINE: Well nothing’s perfect Benjamin. I wish my mother didn’t drink so much. I wish I’d never fallen out of that tree and broken my thumb because it so affects my fingering I’ll probably never play the violin as well as I’d love to but that’s about it for the bullshit, Benjamin. It’s only bullshit if you let it pile up. Heaven’s in the details. Someone said that. I think Robert Frost said that.

I was in this diner with my roommate Diane? And this guy came along with a goat on a rope and it turns out the reason he’s got a little goat on a rope is that he was thrown out the day before for bringing in his dog? But the point is that Diane had stood up to leave when she saw the man walk in and she sat straight down again and said, well if there’s a goat I think I’ll have dessert. And that’s why I love Diane, because if you think like that you not only notice more little goats, you get more dessert.