“Listen to that.” from the film ” Dr. Strangelove.” General Jack D. Ripper, the delusional commander of a US Air Force base, initiates a plan to attack the Soviet Union with nuclear weapons, even though there is no immediate threat. Ideal for Adult Males in their 60s. 2-3 Mins.
Written By: Stanley Kubrick, Terry Southern, & Peter George
MANDRAKE and RIPPER:
MANDRAKE walks hurriedly through the halls with the portable radio producing another jazz tune, now upbeat. He enters RIPPER’S office.
MANDRAKE
Excuse me, sir, something rather interest-
ing’s just cropped up. Listen to that.
Music. Civilian broadcasting. I think
those fellows in the Pentagon have given
us some sort of exercise to test our read-
iness. Personally, I think it’s taking it a
bit too far – our fellows will be inside
Russian radar cover in about twenty
minutes. You listen to that. Traffic block
full of stations all churning it out.
RIPPER
Mandrake.
MANDRAKE
Yes sir?
RIPPER
I thought I issued instructions for all radios
on this base to be impounded.
MANDRAKE
Well you did indeed sir, and I was in the process
of impounding this very one when I happened to
switch it on. I thought to myself, our fellows
hitting Russian radar cover in twenty minutes,
dropping all their stuff, I’d better tell you, because
if they do, it’ll cause a bit of a stink, won’t it?
RIPPER
Group Captain, the officer exchange program does
not give you any special prerogatives to question
my orders.
MANDRAKE
Well I realize that sir, but I thought you’d be
rather pleased to hear the news. I mean after
all, well let’s face it we…we don’t want to
start a nuclear war unless we really have to,
do we?
RIPPER
Please sit down and turn that thing off.
MANDRAKE
Yes sir. Ah, what about the planes, sir? Surely
you must issue the recall code immediately?
RIPPER
Group Captain, the planes will not be recalled.
My attack orders have been issued, and the
orders stand.
MANDRAKE
Well, if you’ll excuse me for saying so, sir, that
would be, to my way of thinking, rather…well
rather an odd way of looking at it. You see, if
a Russian attack was in progress we would
certainly not be hearing civilian broadcasting.
RIPPER
Are you certain of that, Mandrake?
MANDRAKE
I’m absolutely positive about that, sir, yes.
RIPPER
And what if it was true?
MANDRAKE
Well, I’m afraid I’m still not with you , sir,
because, I mean, if a Russian attack was not
in progress, then your use of Plan B, in fact
your orders to the entire wing…..oh. Well
I would say, sir, that there was something
dreadfully wrong somewhere.
RIPPER
Now, why don’t you just take it easy, Group
Captain, and please make me a drink of grain
alcohol and rain water and help yourself to
whatever you’d like.
MANDRAKE
General Ripper, sir, as an officer in Her Majesty’s
Air Force, it is my clear duty, under the present
circumstances, to issue the recall code upon my
own authority and bring back the wing. If you’ll
excuse me sir.
Mandrake tries the door, finds it locked.
MANDRAKE
I’m afraid, sir, I must ask you for the key and
the recall code. Have you got them handy, sir?
RIPPER
I told you to take it easy, Group Captain. There’s
nothing anybody can do about this thing now. I’m
the only person who knows the three letter code group.
MANDRAKE
Then I must insist, sir, that you give them to me.
Ripper reveals a pistol.
MANDRAKE
Do I take it, sir, that you are threatening a brother
officer with a gun?
RIPPER
Mandrake, I suppose it never occurred to you that
while we’re chatting here so enjoyably, a decision
is being made by the President and the Joint Chiefs
in the war room at the Pentagon. And when they
realize there is no possibility of recalling the wing,
there will be only one course of action open; total
commitment. Mandrake, do you recall what
Clemenceau once said about war?
MANDRAKE
No, I don’t think I do sir, no.
RIPPER
He said war was too important to be left to the
generals. When he said that, fifty years ago, he
might have been right. But today, war is too
important to be left to politicians. They have
neither the time, the training nor the inclination
for strategic thought. I can no longer sit back
and allow Communist infiltration, Communist
indoctrination, Communist subversion and the
international Communist conspiracy to sap and
impurify all of our precious bodily fluids.
MANDRAKE
Sir?
RIPPER
Mandrake….
MANDRAKE
Yes, Jack?
RIPPER
Have you ever seen a commie drink a glass of water?
MANDRAKE
Well no, I can’t say I have, Jack.
RIPPER
Vodka, that’s what they drink, isn’t it? Never water.
MANDRAKE
Well, I believe that’s what they drink Jack, yes.
RIPPER
On no account will a commie ever drink water, and
not without good reason.
MANDRAKE
Oh, ah, yes. I don’t quite…see what you’re getting
at, Jack.
RIPPER
Water. That’s what I’m getting at. Water. Mandrake,
water is the source of all life. Seven tenths of this
earth’s surface is water. Seventy percent of you is
water.
MANDRAKE
Oh, God…..
RIPPER
As human beings, we need fresh, pure water to
replenish our precious bodily fluids.
MANDRAKE
Yes….
RIPPER
Are you beginning to understand, Mandrake?
MANDRAKE
Yes…..
RIPPER
Mandrake, have you ever wondered why I drink
only rain water, or distilled water, and only pure
grain alcohol?
MANDRAKE
Well, it did occur to me, Jack, yes.
RIPPER
Have you ever heard of a thing called fluoridation?
Fluoridation of water?
MANDRAKE
Ah, yes, I have heard of that, Jack. Yes.
RIPPER
Well, do you know what it is?
MANDRAKE
No. No, I don’t know what it is, no.
RIPPER
Do you realize that fluoridation of water is the
most monstrously conceived and dangerous
communinst plot we have ever had to face?
SHOTS ring out. Ripper returns fire.
RIPPER
Two can play at that game, Soldier!
More shots, Ripper returning fire again.
RIPPER
That’s nice shooting, Soldier!
He tosses the M-16 to Mandrake.
RIPPER
Mandrake, come here!
MANDRAKE
You calling me, Jack?
RIPPER
Get over here and help me return fire!
MANDRAKE
I ah, haven’t had very much experience, you
know, with these sort of machines, Jack. I
only ever pressed a button in my old Spitfire.
RIPPER
Mandrake, in the name of Her Majesty and
the Continental Congress, come here and
return fire, Boy!
MANDRAKE
Jack, I’d love to come. But, what’s happened,
you see, is the string in my leg’s gone.
RIPPER
The what?
MANDRAKE
The string. I never told you, but, you see, I’ve
got a gammy leg. Oh dear. Gone. Shot off.
The gunfire increases in intensity.
MANDRAKE
Jack, don’t you think we’d be better off in
some other part of the room, away from all
this flying glass?
RIPPER
Nah, we’re OK here. Mandrake, do you realize
that in addition to fluoridating water, there are
studies underway to fluoridate salt, flour, fruit
juices, soup, sugar, milk and ice cream? Ice
cream, Mandrake. Children’s ice cream.
MANDRAKE
Good Lord.
RIPPER
You know when fluoridation first began?
MANDRAKE
No, no I don’t Jack. No.
RIPPER
- Nineteen hundred and forty six, Mandrake.
How does that coincide with your postwar commie
conspiracy, huh? It’s incredibly obvious, isn’t it?
A foreign substance is introduced into our precious
bodily fluids without the knowledge of the individ-
ual and certainly without any choice. That’s the way
your hard-core commie works.
MANDRAKE
Jack…Jack, listen, tell me, ah….when did you first
become aware of, well, develop this theory?
RIPPER
I became aware of it, Mandrake, during the physical
act of love.
MANDRAKE
Oh.
RIPPER
Yes, a profound sense of fatigue, a feeling of
emptiness followed. Luckily I was able to
interpret these feelings correctly – the loss of
essence.
MANDRAKE
Yes….
RIPPER
I can assure you it has not recurred, Mandrake.
Women…..women sense my power, and they
seek the life essence. I do not avoid women,
Mandrake, but I do deny them my essence.
MANDRAKE
Heh heh…..yes.
The GUNFIRE cuts out suddenly.
RIPPER
Boys must have surrendered.
MANDRAKE
It’s the way it is. Now Jack, listen. While
there’s still time, I beg you, let’s recall the
wing.
RIPPER
Those boys were like my children, and now
they’ve let me down.
MANDRAKE
No no, Jack, not a bit of it. No, I’m sure they
all gave you their very best. And I’m equally
sure they all died thinking of you, every man
jack of them. Ah, Jack. Supposing a bit of water
has gone off, eh? And certainly one can never
be too sure about these sorts of things. Would
you look at me now? Do I look all rancid and
clotted? You look at me, Jack, eh? Look, eh?
And I drink a lot of water, you know. I’m what
you might call a water man, Jack. That’s what
I am. And I can swear to you, my boy, swear
to you, that there’s nothing wrong with my bodily
fluids. Not a thing, Jackie.
RIPPER
Mandrake, have you ever been a prisoner of war?
MANDRAKE
Ah, yes I was, matter of fact, Jack. I was.
RIPPER
Did they torture you?
MANDRAKE
Ah, yes they did. I was tortured by the Japanese,
Jack, if you must know. Not a pretty story.
RIPPER
Well, what happened?
MANDRAKE
Oh, well, I don’t know, Jack. Difficult to think
of under these conditions. But, well, what happened
was they got me on the old Rangoon railway. I was
laying train mines for the bloody Japanese puff-puffs.
RIPPER
No, I mean when they tortured you, did you talk?
MANDRAKE
Ah, no, I, ah….I don’t think they wanted me to talk,
really, I don’t think they wanted me to say anything.
It was just their way of having…..a bit of fun, the
swines. Strange thing is they make such bloody
good cameras.
RIPPER
You know those clowns outside are going to give
me a pretty good going over in a few minutes.
For the code.
MANDRAKE
Yes. Well, you may have…you may have quite
a point, there, Jack.
RIPPER
I don’t know how well I could stand up under
torture.
MANDRAKE
Well, of course the answer to that is, boy, no
one ever does. And my advice to you, Jack, is
to give me the code now. And if those devils
come back and try any rough stuff, we’ll fight
them together, boy, like we did just now, on
the floor, eh?
RIPPER
Mandrake, I happen to believe in a life after
this one, and I know I’ll have to answer for
what I’ve done. And I think I can.
MANDRAKE
Yes, well of course you can, Jack, of course you
can. I’m a religious man, myself, you know, Jack.
I believe in all that sort of thing, and…I’m hoping,
you know, Jack, that you’re going to give me the
code, boy, that’s what I’m hoping. And….
Ripper goes into the washroom.
MANDRAKE
Oh, you’re going to have a little wash and
brush up, are you? What a good idea. Always
did wonders for a man, that, Jack. A little wash
and brush up, water on the back of the neck, and…
makes you feel marvelous. That’s what we need,
Jack! Water on the back of the neck and the code.
Now, now, supposing I play a little guessing game
with you, Jack, boy…..I’ll try and guess what the
code is…..
A SHOT. Mandrake tries to open the door, but Ripper’s body has it jammed shut.
MANDRAKE
Jack? Jack?
FADE OUT
