THE LITTLE MERMAID JR – Ariel shows Flounder what she found. Comedic Monologue for Kid Female. >1 Min.
Ariel: Oh, Flounder, you really are a guppy! Awww….. You’ll never guess what I found today. Look! (Lifts up a large silver serving fork) Have you ever seen anything so wonderful in your entire life? (Flounder ask a question) I don’t know… but I bet Scuttle will! Come on, I’ll race you!
LION KING JR – Timon welcomes Simba. Comedic Monologue for Kid Male. >1 Min.
TIMON: Welcome to our humble abode! Listen kid, if you’re gonna live with us, you gotta eat like us. I’m tellin’ ya, kid – this is the great life. No rules, no responsibilities… And best of all, no worries! One for you. Enjoy.
LEGALLY BLONDE JR – Emmett briefs Ms. Wyndham. Comedic Monologue for Kid/Teen Male. 1 Min.
EMMETT: Hi, Ms. Wyndham. I’m Emmett Forest. I’m co-counsel with Stidwell, Zyskowski, Fox and Callahan. These four interns are the cream of the crop at Harvard Law and we’re here to “whip up” your legal defense. Incidentally, my mom’s a big fan of your DVD’s. Credits you with her nutcracker butt. Her words. Anywho, we’d love to discuss your case and go over a few choices. We want to free you as soon as possible, so you can bring your message back to your fans. Callahan briefed me on your meeting and there is a significant amount of evidence against you. To free you, the jury will need to hear an alibi. If we can’t hear an alibi, you should accept a plea bargain. You’d get out in a couple of years. That sounds reasonable, right?
LEGALLY BLONDE JR – Paulette does Elle’s hair. Comedic Monologue for Kid/Teen Female. 1 Min.
PAULETTE: Hey there! Welcome to the Hair Affair. You’re with Paulette so you’re in good hands. I’m sorta like Allstate, but for hair. (Elle says she wants to dye her blonde hair brunette) What? Brunette? Honey, (gestures to her hair) you’re a genetic lotto win! Alright, something else is goin’ on here. Back up. Whoa, whoa, whoa. Do you know the number one reason behind all bad hair decisions? Love. I can help you, I’ve been there before. When I need to relax I just put on this CD I bought from the store. (Puts on CD) There, isn’t that relaxing? It’s called Celtic Moods.
Now let me tell you my story. I dreamed of marrying an Irishman. In a bar once I met this guy, Dewey. He told me he was from Ireland. He bought me 14 beers and so I lived with him for 10 years. I wanted to get married but he kept postponing. Still, I followed him around in a fog until he left. He took my savings and he took my dog Rufus. Now all that’s left is this weird Enya song we’re listening to.
LEGALLY BLONDE JR – Elle gives her valedictorian speech. Comedic Monologue for Kid/Teen Female. 1 Min.
ELLE: On our very first day at Harvard a very wise professor quoted Aristotle, “The law is reason free from passion.” Well, no offense to Aristotle, but in my three years at Harvard I have come to find that passion is a key ingredient to the study and practice of law and of life. It is with passion, courage of conviction and strong sense of self that we take our next steps into the world. Remembering that first impressions are not always correct, you must always have faith in people, and most importantly you must always have faith in yourself. Congratulations class of 2004, we did it!
JUNIE B. JONES JR – Junie B writes a journal entry. Comedic Monologue for Kid Female. >1 Min.
JUNIE B: Dear First Grade journal. Yay! Yay! Hooray! Today is the last week before winter break! Winter break is the school word for I gotta get out of this place, I tell you. ‘Cause blabbermouth May is tattletailing on me every day almost! That’s how come yesterday I chased her down on the playground. And I threw grass on her head. It was very fun. Except I hope Santa did not see me do that. That guy watches me like a hawk this time of year.
INTO THE WOODS JR – Wolf talks about finding Red. Dramatic Monologue for Kid Male. 1 Min.
WOLF: So today I walked around trying once again to find something to eat. And to my surprise a girl came walking through the woods with her red hood and basket, which seemed to have an intoxicating aroma. So I decided to chat with her before I ate her. “Hello there.” , “Oh hello.” said Little Red. “I am just going to bring these cookies to my dear old grandma.” “Well isn’t that nice, how sweet of you. And where does your grandma live may I ask, you’re going on quite a trip just to bring her cookies?” “Well my grandma is sick and she needs these cookies to feel better, “I’ll leave you to it then, don’t want to keep her waiting now.” I thought “what a dumb little girl today I’m going to have a feast. I better hurry if I want to reach grandma’s house before her.”
INTO THE WOODS JR – Little Red visits her granny. Dramatic Monologue for Kid Female. 1 Min.
LITTLE RED RIDING HOOD: (to the Wolf) Good day, Grandmother. My, Grandmother, you’re looking very strange. What big ears you have. But Grandmother, what big eyes you have! Oh, Grandmother – what a terrible, big, wet mouth you have!
(After being rescued from the Wolf’s stomach.) What a fright! How dark and dank it was inside that wolf! Mr. Baker, you saved our lives. Here is my cape. You may have it. Maybe Granny will make me another with the skins of that wolf
“I plead down” from the film “Gone Girl.” Tommy tells Nick about his time with Amy and when she accused him of rape. 2-3 min.
TOMMY: Fuck no. Do I look like I’d do well in prison? I plead down, man. Sexual assault one, no jail time. I’ve been unemployed for eight years because I have to write “Sexual Offender” on every job application. I’m on a neighborhood watch list because I have to register as a predator wherever I go. I haven’t had a date in almost a decade because if a girl googles me? Bye-bye. Life’s a joy.
I meet Amy at this party-2004. We CLICK. She’s perfect. Like, if I could make up a girl, this would be the fucking girl. I think: what’s the catch? Few months and it hits me: She was just playing at being Indie Rock Dream Girl. Apply yourself! Hustle for those gigs! Play this venue and meet that executive. She bought me ties. I mean, girls like a fixer—upper, but… She invaded me. She made me her business. And she wanted me to do the same for her. It was too much. I wasn’t even sure I wanted to be the guy she wanted me to be.
So I break—up with her, back away, whatever. . . It was no big deal. Or so I think. Then Amy shows up one night. She’s got a bottle of bourbon and this bootleg of a band I love, and—fuck she’s all over me—and when this girl gets all over you—sorry, she’s your wife. But pretty soon- Consensual! Nothing funky. Next thing I know, the cops are at my door. Amy has wounds that are “consistent with rape.” Marks on her wrists as if I tied her up. Me. I tied her to my bed and raped her. (whispering) And guess what they find? Headboard of my bed, one on each side.
You date, you get your heart broken, you date someone new. Circle of life, right? Wrong. I don’t think she’d ever been rejected. Like, ever. Can you imagine being almost 30 years old and never having had anything go wrong for you? I may have to relocate to Kazakhstan. I’m serious, man, I will not say a word against that girl. She fucked me up. And I just dated her a few months. I can’t imagine what she’s got in store for you.
THIS IS OUR YOUTH – Jessica Goldman, an “anxiously insightful” fashion student, comes over and Warren hopes that he can use the money to entice her into bed. 2-3 min.
JESSICA: Don’t you guys get into like, comparing notes and stuff? Well…OK…It’s just – This is getting a little weird now, because when I talked to Valerie, she asked me if anything happened with us last night, and for some reason, I guess I didn’t really tell her that anything did. So now she’s gonna talk to Dennis and I’m gonna look like a total liar to someone I’m just starting to be close friends with and who I really care about…!
I just should have figured that you would like rush off to tell your friends that you fucked me – whereas I might be more inclined to be a little more discreet about it till I found out where I stood with you. Ok, but you know what? It really doesn’t matter – So you just tell him anything he wants to know no matter what the consequences are for somebody else?!
But honestly, Warren? I really don’t care who you told, or what you told them, because people are gonna think whatever they think and you know what? There’s nothing I can do about it. I should just really listen to my instincts, you know? Because your instincts are never wrong. And it was totally against my instinct to come over here last night, and it was definitely against my instinct to sleep with you, but I did and it’s too late. And now my Mom is totally furious at me, I probably ruined my friendship with Valerie, and now like Dennis Ziegler thinks I’m like, easy pickins, or something – ! And it’s not like I even care what he thinks, OK? Because I don’t actually know him. Or you. Or Valerie, for that matter! So it doesn’t really matter! I’ve made new friends before, I can make more new friends now if I have to. So let’s just forget the whole thing ever happened, you can chalk one up in your book or whatever – and I’ll just know better next time! Hopefully. OK?
IT’S ONLY A PLAY – Virginia, the star of the fictional play, complains about her agent. Dramatic Monologue for adult female. 1-2 min.
VIRGINIA: They ain’t doing anything. They tried that number on me out in Hollywood. “You’re only as good as your last picture.” My agent told me. “Bullshit,” I told him. “Nothing’s as bad as my last three pictures but especially me. Just get me a job.” “Ginny, I can’t get you arrested. Cool out for a couple of years. Get married again.” Me, Miss Two-Time Tony Award Winner! Miss Hot Shit Herself! They wouldn’t touch me with a twenty-foot pole.
And people wonder why I bottomed out? It took seeing my face on the front page of the National Enquirer after marriage Number Three ended for it to suddenly hit me: what am I doing out there? Standing in the check-out line at the Arrow Market on Santa Monica wearing a dirty bathrobe and nothing else, that’s where I remembered who I was! An actress, a fucking stage actress.
Two days later, I packed everything I owned into my little red Mustang and burned rubber straight back to New York.
A DOLL’S HOUSE – Nora finally opens up to her husband, Torvald. Dramatic monologue for adult women. 2-3 min.
NORA: It is perfectly true, Torvald. When I was at home with papa, he told me his opinion about everything, and so I had the same opinions; and if I differed from him I concealed the fact, because he would not have liked it. He called me his doll-child, and he played with me just as I used to play with my dolls. And when I came to live with you…
I mean that I was simply transferred from papa’s hand into yours. You arranged everything according to your own taste, and so I got the same tastes as you – or else I pretended to, I am really not quite sure which – I think sometimes the one and sometimes the other. When I look back on it, it seems to me as if I had been living here like a poor woman – just from hand to mouth. I have existed merely to perform tricks for you, Torvald. But you would have it so. You and papa have committed a great sin against me. It is your fault that I have made nothing of my life.
You neither think nor talk like the man I could bind myself to. As soon as your fear was over – and it was not fear for what threatened me, but for what might happen to you – when the whole things was past, as far as you were concerned it was exactly as if nothing at all had happened. Exactly as before, I was your little skylark, your doll, which you would in future treat with doubly gentle care, because it was so brittle and fragile. Torvald – it was then it dawned upon me that for eight years I had been living here with a strange man, and had borne him three children. Oh! I can’t bear to think of it! I could tear myself into little bits!
“Looks like some kind of conspiracy to me!” from the film “About Schmidt” Warren Schmidt has arrived at several of life’s crossroads all at the same time. To begin with, he is retiring from a lifetime of service as an actuary for Woodmen of the World Insurance Company, and he feels utterly adrift. Furthermore, his only daughter Jeannie is about to marry a boob. And his wife Helen dies suddenly after 42 years of marriage. Ideal for Adult Males ranging from 50s-60s. 2-3 Mins.
Written By: Alexander Payne and Jim Taylor
RAY NICHOLS:
Hey, Warren, how do you feel about these young punks taking over our jobs? They shoved me out the door three years ago. Looks like some kind of conspiracy to me! (Everyone laughs affectionately. Ray stands) Now I’ve known Warren here probably longer than most of you have been alive. Warren and I go way back, waaaaaay back to the horse and buggy days at Mutual. But that’s ancient history. We were good friends not only at work but also out on the golf course and on fishing trips up at my cabin in Minnesota. And what I want to say to you publicly, Warren, so that all these young hotshots can hear, is that the gold watch there doesn’t mean a goddamn thing.
And this dinner doesn’t mean a goddamn thing, and the social security and pension don’t mean a goddamn thing. None of these super-fishy-alities mean a goddamn thing. What means something, what really means something, Warren… (Ray takes a dramatic, drunken pause) What really means something is the knowledge that you devoted your entire life to something meaningful – to being productive and working for a fine company – hell, one of the biggest insurance carriers in the nation… (Ray counts on his fingers and at one point counts the same finger twice) …to raising a fine family, to building a fine home, to being respected by your community and having some wonderful, loyal friendships.
At the end of his career, if a man can look back and say, “I did it. I did my job,” he can retire in peace and glory and enjoy riches far beyond the monetary kind. So all you young people here, here’s a role model. Right here. I want you to take a good look at a very rich man.
“The bullet hasn’t moved.” from the film “Regarding Henry.” When calculating attorney Henry Turner receives a bullet in the head during a robbery, he loses all memory and identity. When he recovers, he is child-like, if not simple-minded, but he has lost his mean-spiritedness and becomes a more compassionate being. Ideal for Adult Males in their 50s. 1 Min.
Written By: Jeffrey Abrams
DR. SULTAN:
The bullet hasn’t moved. I wish we could get at it … but if we’re a little lucky, it’ll never move and he’ll be fine. (looks through charts) His brainwaves and reflexes look great. For a guy that’s just come out of a three month coma he’s in better shape than I am. (A long beat. sighs) Sarah, the truth is, it’s going to be a long rehabilitation. It could take six months … it could take six years. We’re starting from scratch here. Henry doesn’t remember how to speak, or how to move, or anything. His memories are still in there, I mean one day everything might come back, but there are no guarantees. (a beat) There’s nothing more we can do here. I’ve spoken to a clinic in Bedford that I’ve done some work with. We can get Henry in there immediately. (a beat) Sarah, I just want to make sure you’re prepared. Henry might not remember you, or your daughter, or anyone. Ever.
*culled
“Four days ago…” from the film “Elizabethtown” During an outrageous memorial for a Southern patriarch, an unexpected romance blooms between a young woman and man. Ideal for Young Adult Males ranging from 20s-30s. 1 Min.
Written By: Cameron Crowe
DREW:
(in a rush) Claire. Four days ago… I lost a major American shoe company… well you could round it off to one billion dollars. And by tomorrow afternoon, the whole world, everyone will know. Something is going to be published that pinpoints me as the most spectacular failure in the history of my profession, which is all I know. And I am here trying to be responsible, and charming, and live up to something I’m not, and all I really want is to… not be here, do you understand?
It’s all coming out, with no filter.
What you’re seeing is not me – actually, almost everything that has happened between us is not really who I am at all. It’s an incredible simulation, but it’s not me. The real me is a joke. So you know… feel free to laugh, but those are the hell hounds on my particular trail.
*culled
“I don’t think I can do this.” from the film “Up In the Air.” With a job traveling around the country firing people, Ryan Bingham enjoys his life living out of a suitcase, but finds that lifestyle threatened by the presence of a new hire and a potential love interest. Ideal for Adult Males in their 30s. 1 Min.
Written By: Jason Reitman
JIM:
I don’t think I can do this. I was just laying there last night in bed and I couldn’t sleep. I was thinking about the wedding and the ceremony and all. Us buying a house and moving in together. Having a kid… Having another kid… (begins to snowball) … Thanksgiving, Christmas, spring break, football games, all of a sudden they’re out of school, getting jobs, getting married, and then, you know… I’m a grandparent. I’m retired. Before you know it – I’m dead… and I just kept thinking… “What’s the point?” (now asking Ryan directly) I mean what is the point?
*culled
“Shot him in the neck, didn’t you?” from the film “Three Kings.” Archie tries to tell the members of his team what it’s like to get shot. Ideal for Adult Males ranging from 30-50. 1 Min.
Written By: John Ridley
ARCHIE GATES:
Shot him in the neck, didn’t you? Do you know anything about gunshot wounds? (They look at him.) What makes any gunshot wound bad, provided you survive the bullet, is something called sepsis. Say a bullet tears into you right now – It creates a cavity of dead tissue, the cavity fills up with bile and bacteria and you’re fucked.
Then you got the kind of wound that paralyzes or castrates or has a scary name like tension pneumo thorax. That’s when a bullet pierces your lung, so every time you breathe, air leaks into your chest cavity, and it fills up like a balloon, crushing your heart, your liver, your lung. Your own breathing kills you, one breath at a time. But we’re going to do this without firing any bullets. And just to be sure, we’re gonna do a dry run, so put your suits on.
*culled
“Chrissie and Rod are pretty obsessed with this rumor, aren’t they?” from the film “Never Let Me Go.” In this scene, Tommy comes up with a scheme to save their lives. Ideal for Young Adult Males in their 20s. 1-2 Mins.
Written By: Alex Garland
TOMMY:
Chrissie and Rod are pretty obsessed with this rumor, aren’t they? I was thinking that if this rumor was true, it might explain quite a lot. Well – the Gallery for instance. We never got to the bottom of it, what the Gallery was for.
Pictures, poetry, sculptures. It tells you something about yourself. That’s the point about art, isn’t it? It says what’s inside you. Your soul. (beat) So suppose that the rumor is true. A special arrangement has been made for Hailsham students. If they’re in love. There would have to be a way to judge if couples are telling the truth, and not just lying to put off their donations.
Well that’s what the Gallery would be for. In the Gallery, they can find out everything about us that they need to know. So if we say we’re in love, they can look into our souls, and they’ll know if it’s real love, or just a lie.
*parsed
HIGH SCHOOL MUSICAL JR. – Ms. Darbus leads the class. Comedic Monologue for Kid/Teen Female. 1 Min.
Ms Darbus: Well, once again, they forgot to announce the auditions for the winter musical, Juliet and Romeo, written by our very own Kelsi Nielson. It’s a delicious, neo-feminist adaptation of Shakespeare’s classic tragedy of star-crossed lovers… with a brand new happy ending.
(CHAD leads the jocks in a round of dry raspberries) Mr. Danforth, this is a place of learning, not a football diamond.
This year, as always, the Drama Club faces a shortage of male participants, so please come in and audition. I’m offering you fun, glamour… and extra credit!
(A cell phone stars a wild musical ring. At the first ring, RYAN and SHARPAY pulls out their cell phones.)
Ah, the dreaded cell phone symphony! Sharpay and Ryan Evans, your phones please, and I’ll see you in detention. We have zero tolerance for cell phones during class. Phone, please…and welcome to East High, Ms. Montez.
(notices TROY’s phone) Mr. Bolton, I see your phone is involved. Splendid. We’ll see you in detention as well.
“You son of a bitch.” from the film “500 Days of Summer.” Paul tries to get info out of Tom about his new girl. Ideal for Young Adult Males ranging from 20-30. 1-2 Mins.
Written By: Scott Neustadter and Michael H. Weber
PAUL:
You son of a bitch. The same girl you’d been obsessing over for weeks now? The same girl you said was way out of your league and you wouldn’t have a chance with. That girl?
Did you bang her? Blow job? Hand job?
Come on, level with me. As your best friend, who tolerated all this talk… Summer this, Summer that, Summer Summer Summer, I mean you were practically stalking her…
Suddenly, the sound of a toilet flushing is heard. From the bathroom emerges Summer, dressed to go out.
Oh. Summer, wow that an unusual name. Tom, how come you’ve never mentioned you knew such a lovely little lady? (off Tom’s nasty look) Or perhaps you have and I’ve just forgot. I mean, with all the women in Tom’s life it’s hard to keep track… (not helping) Ok, well, I was just… I’m Paul. (not sure what else to say) I’m a doctor.
Anyway, I’m leaving now. Pretend I was never here.
*culled